President George W. Bush shocked the nation today by cancelling the previously scheduled November general election. President Bush made his announcement in a hastily arranged and nationally televised address to the American people broadcast live from the Alamo in San Antonio.
Wearing a newly designed Commander-in-chief uniform roughly based on Davy Crocket's Frontiersman outfit complete with raccoon skin cap, leather fringe jacket, leather pants, laced-up shirt, and tomahawk, and flanked by the Texas National Guard, 'El Presidente' as he now wishes to be addressed, squinted into the cameras with his characteristic look of tough determination.
El Presidente Bush began his historic address with "My fellow Americans and Bush Whackers" and wasted no time in announcing the cancellation of the November general election. "I was appointed by a Supreme Court judge and then elected by some people to lead this great nation. I can not abandon you in your time of need. To hold an election at this turbulent time in American history would be foolhardy, especially since no Republican is running for president."
Bush would not specify when or if elections would be rescheduled, only alluding to "when the time is right", "after we win all the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and wherever is next", "when we win the war on terror and find Osama bin Laden", "when oil reaches our shores", "when hell and the arctic ice sheet freeze over", "when Enron makes a comeback", "when we have succeeded in totally deregulating the banking industry", "when we have met our mandate to increase the national debt to 1,000,000,000 bazillion dollars", "when no child is left behind", "when we beat the Chinese in the Olympics", and "over my dead body".
Bush also announced a State of Emergency for the entire country, except for Alaska where they have enough guns and oil to take care of themselves. There will be a massive reshuffling of all departments of government. Bush promised swift but measured implementation, instructing his staff with "Don't fire them until you see the whites of their eyes." The entire executive branch is to be relocated to the Alamo in San Antonio since the White House has been repossessed by a bank in Abu Dhabi in the sub-prime mortgage scandal.
In his closing remarks, El Presidente Bush tried to reassure the American people and the world. "We'll get through this. Just look at what President General Musharraf accomplished in Pakistan. Then there's President Mbeke in North Africa….I stand corrected, it's South America. Doesn't matter. I can do exactly for America what these two honourable men have done for their countries and the world."
Unscientific but highly reliable opinion polls taken immediately after Bush's address suggest the American public overwhelmingly supports his actions. Political analyst Ted Cruncher summed it up: "Americans were sick and tired of the election campaign anyway. They see that Bush is really listening and responding to their concerns not to be bothered. Now that's democracy."