The economy has failed. President Bush and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke joined together in Washington to announce that the US economy is now officially kaput.
A crack team of experts on the economy will now work on a plan for a new US economy. The finer points are still being hammered out, but the basics are in place.
The dollar will no longer be the currency in the new economy. Instead all trade will take place through barter. Those who have nothing to barter can sell their bodies, either in bodily organs, fluids, sex, or slavery, to obtain basic needs like food, water, and movie tickets.
"We've shot that dollar all to hell," noted Bush. "Ron Paul was right all along. But now we've got to deal with it, so phasing the dollar out is the right thing to do.
Wall Street's financial operations will also be shut down. Paulson explained that this was an appropriate punishment for their behavior over the past couple decades.
For their part, the Bush economic team members are proud of how they've handled the economy during this crisis. "God threw us a bunch of curveballs," said the President, "and we took good swings. Sure we missed on all of 'em, but you got to take your cuts."
John McCain echoed the Bush team. "Well, the economy is tough. Even Cindy and I have had to cut down on the private jet travel. We're just lucky we have George Bush in the White House."
Barack Obama attacked McCain, saying this latest quote is just one more piece of evidence that he is following in Bush's "legacy of failed follies and foolish fickle policies. Damn, that almost rhymed."
The economy ignored all of the politics and dutifully shut itself down. Experts say it's just taking a nap, but the duration of the nap is the real question.