Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Naked, DVD, Eva Mendes

Monday, 22 September 2008

Los Angeles, California - Everyone needs a hobby to relax. Eva Mendes, movie star, PETA "FUR?" ad model and spokesperson, has one too. Like millions of Americans, hers is gardening. Only, she does it naked. Recently, a publisher approached Mendes, who was just released from rehab for substance abuse, with the idea that writing a book and making a DVD about her naked gardening experiences would be a great form of therapy. Mendes agreed.

High in the Hollywood hills, Mendes prepares to tend to her secret garden as the DVD begins from the living room of her home.

While others put on a pair of gloves before they go outside to garden, Mendes starts by taking hers off and does not stop until she is down to her black stiletto high heels.

"Having the proper equipment is really important," says Mendes wearing only a smile and high heels. "That's why I wear high heels when I garden."

High heels act like tiny little tillers, helping to aerate the soil, claims Mendes.

Mendes then turns opens a sliding glass door to her backyard, her nude reflection caught in the pane towers above the Los Angeles skyline in the background far below.

As she walks out into a typical sunny California day, making her way to the tool shed, the camera follows her from behind in documentary fashion.

Exposing her bare backside as she stands before the tool shed, Mendes momentarily pauses, thinking aloud to herself which one of the tools she needs for the job.

"Now which one should I use today?" Mendes asks herself as beads of sweat turn into tiny streams that course down her spine and gather and pool at the small of her back. "Ah, that's the one."

As Mendes slowly bends over to stick her head into the tool shed, the camera quickly moves to a side profile shot of her sleek feminine form, preserving the DVD's 'R' rating.

Pulling out a long shafted implement, Mendes holds a spade that barely fits in her hands, a white powdery substance clearly visible on her upper lip and nose.

"This is my favorite tool," says Mendes holding out the shovel as her nose begins to bleed. "Only for today's gardening, I'll be using this one."

Mendes then quickly discards the shovel, haphazardly throwing it to the ground. Sticking her head back into the shed, snorting sounds can clearly be heard emanate from within.

A moment later, Mendes reemerges holding out a hoe with one hand while trying to wipe away the blood from her nose with the other.

"Now a spade usually gets the job done for me," continues Mendes as she walks over to a bare patch of soil occupied by a half drowned dying gopher outside its flooded hole. "But it's big and can make a mess. And though it can make and fill any hole, it's been my experience that a hoe can do the same thing, only without the mess and half the fuss."

Mendes then feigns noticing the pitiful gopher for the first time. Standing over it, her legs apart, she brushes her long brown hair to one side over her ear, exposing her bare neck and crystal pearls of perspiration to the cooling air.

"Oh, look," says Mendes, the camera shaking. "It's a little injured gopher. Are you injured Mr. Gopher? What's the matter had a little too much nose candy? Wish you were dead, huh? Well, here. Let me help you."

With that, Mendes assumed the pose of a golfer and with hoe in hand she swung back and exclaimed, "Four!"

"See," said Mendes slurring her speech and just before passing out. "Like I said. A hoe can do the same thing, only without the mess and half the fuss."

Fortunately for the gopher, Mendes was too high to hit the side of a barn, let alone a gopher. Later the gopher fully recovered only to die shortly thereafter of natural causes (the neighbor's cat).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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