Blackberry inventor and Republican presidential nominee John McCain today unveiled his latest invention today. Dubbed the "McCain Atomic Typographer," the device has a set of "keys" that, when pressed, causes characters to be printed on a medium, usually paper. "This amazing machine is portable, wireless, never crashes and is immune to every computer virus and bug known to man," said McCain.
The 62-lb machines come with a carrying case and several spare "ribbons," which McCain said are used to "magically apply the letters to most any porous and flexible material." When one reporter noted that the machine looked exactly like a 1910 Royal Model 5 typewriter and did not appear to be nuclear-powered, McCain became agitated and accused the reporter of hating Sara Palin.
McCain, ridiculed recently for not knowing how to use the Internet, has been on an "invention binge." In the past two days, McCain has unveiled a wood-burning home refrigeration device, a line of designer laxatives and a coal-fired cigarette lighter.
Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, former Vice President of the United States and widely acclaimed as the Most Annoying Human Being on the Face of the Earth, Ever, responded to McCain's announcement with hysterical laughter. An aide later told reporters that Gore was "not laughing with the senator, he was laughing at the senator."
McCain spokesperson David Plouffe again denied repeated claims that the candidate is certifiably insane. "Senator McCain is alert and oriented, shows no outwardly signs of dementia and, in fact, has now learned to speak in tongues thanks to his new running mate," he said.
Palin, who now uses a tongues-English translator, praised her running mate's technological breakthrough during an appearance with a gathering of NRA members in Phoenix, AZ. The avid outdoors-woman celebrated by shooting at several stray cats who wandered near the speaker's podium. Tragically, several dozen other sportsmen also opened fire on the hapless cats which prompted members of Palin's Secret Service team to return fire. The ensuing gun battle sent 14 people to the hospital with gunshot wounds. The cats reported no injuries.
McCain defended allegations that he is technologically-impaired by pointing to his experience as a pilot in the US Navy. When McCain was asked to verify that he graduated fifth from the bottom of his flight training and subsequently crashed three of his five assigned planes, the candidate hurled a flash-bang grenade at reporters and fled the room. Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was injured when a spark from the explosive device ignited his mustache.