Washington, DC - Try avoiding a car accident or having to file a homeowners insurance claim. Or any claim altogether for that matter, even at all personal cost to yourself or especially that of your family. As now, after the Fed takeover of AIG (the world's largest insurance company) it will not only likely result in your insurance rates going up, but your taxes as well.
"It's not as bad as all that," says the Fed. "As the word gets out, we expect this fiscal year to brake all safety records of the past and AIG to receive the lowest amount of insurance claims ever filed. Besides, the risk is spread out so thin among the other debt obligations owed by Americans, they will hardly notice it along with their overdraft, or late payment, surcharge."
Not to mention the savings in gas as Americans will be too frightened to venture out of their homes or even mow their lawns in a desperate attempting to micromanage their exposure to risk once privatized but now socialized.
"So if you file a claim, you would only be hurting yourself," says Jonathan Wayne, an AIG fire and casualty agent. "As a person with a newly wholly owned acquired vested interest in AIG, we welcome you and ask that you not only consider yourself more than just a client, but one of its many redundant CEOs as well."
Wayne reminds everyone that we are now on the frontline as both policyholders and CEOs of AIG, so it is up to us to keep those claims filings down and help get the company's bottom line up out of the red and back into the black again. Or both our property taxes and insurance premiums may go through the roof.
Wayne asks that as an AIG policyholders and new CEO that every American taxpayer ignore the overshadowing threat to their personal financial situation and focus on that, that it posses to their family's instead.
"Consider it as nothing more than a mere deductible clause that was hidden away in the fine print of your insurance policy. One that you did not know was there before," said Wayne. "Because you never actually read it. Or bothered to vote in the last election. Or ironically, voted for the law and order tick candidate that believed in deregulation and outsourcing, instead of the accountability candidate."
"So just remember," said Wayne. "Ask yourself before you leave your home to go to the grocery store for that gallon of milk, 'Do my kids really need that milk or a roof over their heads.' Because should you get into an accident, that's what it will come down to."
Or if it is too late and you already had an accident, Wayne says to alternatively ask yourself, "Do I really need to stop for a little fender bender. I mean I don't see any helicopters in the sky. I think I can make it home with just a few cop cars in hot pursuit of me. Besides, I just had the car tuned up, oil changed and tank topped off."
Or, do as Wayne says and take a moment to reflect, if you are already being pursued, taking the time to ask yourself, "You know, maybe leading the police back to my house is not such a good idea after all. I mean it might result in an incident that could raise my homeowner's premium as well. I guess now is a good time to take that long deserved vacation. Time to ride like the wind to the boarder of Mexico again like d'Artagnan."
Whatever your decision, AIG and the feds asks that you keep it to yourself and in the strictest of confidence. Not telling anyone, even your lawyer or especially your cellmate.
For if you ever need to file an insurance claim against AIG (or one of its wholly owned recently acquired subsidiaries), Wayne offers this piece of friendly parting advice: "For God's sakes, man up and keep it to yourself."