Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Music, tour, Tom Jones

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

image for Tom "What's New Pussycat?" Jones
Tom's Personal Microphone (since 1965)

PONTYPRIDD, SOUTH WHALES - 1960'S singing sensation Tom Jones, who had such hits as "It's Not Unusual," "What's New Pussycat," and "She's A Lady" has just announced that he is releasing his first album in the United States in 15 years.

Jones who is 68, has sold over 100 million records world-wide since the release of his 1965 hit, "It's Not Unusual." A spokesman for Mr. Jones stated that they are currently making plans for Tom to tour America, not necessarily to perform, it's just that Tom wants to visit The Grand Canyon, The Empire State Building, Mr. and Mrs. Concordio K. Yudenfriend, The Alamo, his star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, The Golden Gate Bridge, and a Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant or six.

Tom's manager reportedly told a writer for G Sharp Un-Illustrated Magazine that it's amazing when you think about the fact that some of Tom's former "Groupies" are now 61 and 62-year-old grandmothers and great-grandmothers. Tom actually blushed when he said that it's funny that one of the biggest differences between then and now is that now the panties (of his 'ex-groupies') have gotten so much bigger and a whole lot plainer!

Tom's new CD will be titled "Hello Mates, Remember Me, It's Tom, Tom Jones, T-o-m J-o-n-e-s!" The CD should be out a few weeks before Christmas and it will be available at Wal-Mart, Radio Shack, Dairy Queen, Wrigley Field, Victoria's Secret, most U-Haul offices, and through the senior citizen publication AARP.

A spokesman for Mr. Jones was quick to dispel the rumor that apparently started in Vermont that if there is indeed a tour that it will be called "The Prune Juice/Geritol/Cialis Quick-Acting and Quicker-Stepping Musical Tour Down Memory Lane." In fact, Tom adds that he stays fit by jogging 47 miles a day and doing 2,114 sit-ups. He stated that he also drinks 26 bottles of water each day and that he does not do any drugs at all, except for an occasional Barney Flintstone mulit-vitamin every now and then.

Jones' manager, Bobby 'Bubba' Bobbyson, was asked what songs would be included in the new CD and he replied that all of the songs will be cover songs including "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy," by Kenny Chesney, "Kryptonite," by 3 Doors Down, "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah," by Johnny Mercer, "Material Girl," by Madonna, "Home," by Daughtry, "Don't Cha," by The Pussycat Dolls, "She Will Be Loved," by Maroon 5, and "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" by The Ohio Express.

In a related story Tom asked his publicist, Trudi Trucapelli, 29, to clear up some surname rumors that have recently surfaced due to an entertainment story that was carried on TV station KPEE, Channel 19 in Aberdeen, South Dakota. "Mr. Tom Jones would like everyone to know that he is in no way, shape, or form related to Tommy Lee Jones, Catherine Zeta-Jones, James Earl Jones, Davy Jones, Norah Jones, Jerry Jones, Casey Jones, Dow Jones, or "Pacman" Jones."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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