Written by Jake Calhoun
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Monday, 15 September 2008

image for McCain: Palin is also 'Greatest Mother Ever'
John McCain after making, "I, too, am Hillary Clinton' remark

Days after announcing on 'The View' that Sara Palin was the "greatest vice presidential candidate in the history of the United States," John McCain further extolled his running mate by claiming she is also "the greatest mother in the history of the world." McCain praised his running mate's ability to "simultaneously defend America against a Russian invasion as Commander-in-Chief of the Alaska National Guard while throwing together a mean meatloaf for her family."

McCain declined to identify any specific threats to Alaska since World War II, but his staff did initially release a copy of Palin's meatloaf recipe. McCain staff members immediately retrieved the photocopies back from reporters when it was noted that the main ingredient was "Humpback Whale blubber." Humpback whales have been an endangered species since 1970.

"Back in 1984 while my opponent was hanging out with known terrorists and plotting ways to raise our taxes as a 'community organizer' in Chicago, Sara was standing tall at America's borders, speaking out for world peace," said McCain.

McCain was referring to Palin's participation in the 1984 Miss Alaska Contest, in which Palin was Miss Wasilla. When asked in 1984 what she thought was the biggest problem facing humanity, the then 20-year-old beauty queen, still wearing her baby-sealskin bikini, responded, "How do you mean? Like the whole world?" The MC then re-stated the question, repeatedly, until Palin said, "World Peace, I guess."

Maryline Blackburn won the coveted Miss Alaska title that year, a win that many say was aided by Palin's confuddled answers. Blackburn was found dead near Wasilla two weeks later. Although Palin was a prime suspect in the mysterious death, all investigators and state troopers involved in the case have been fired.

"Sara Palin has been a role model and an inspiration to the world and today I am proud to say that I, too, am Sara Palin," said McCain. Campaign aides quickly reminded reporters that McCain's comments had nothing to do with a recent incident when McCain reportedly walked out of his hotel room wearing a brown wig, pulled-back secretarial style, a gray pantsuit and a pair of red, peep-toe pumps by Naughty Monkey.

McCain also addressed for the first time the pregnancy of Palin's 17-year-old unwed daughter, Bridget. "We have thoroughly investigated this incident and concluded it could only be Immaculate Conception," he said. "We're not sure what the effect will be of having the reincarnation of Jesus Christ Himself running around the White House. But if I wasn't a Christian now, I'd seriously consider converting," said McCain, adding, "and you know who I'm talking about."

Palin, speaking to reporters in tongue, could not be understood. An aide to Palin, however, said the candidate is "enthralled by Senator McCain's accolades, as usual, since it seems all we do nowadays is respond to Senator McCain's accolades, three or four times a day. We're enthralled to be enthralled, OK?"

Barack Obama responded to McCain's latest barrage of bouquets on his running mate by saying, "Yeah, Palin's a Mother all right." The Democrat was critical of the media's "love affair with 'That Woman.' Hey, you guys used to follow me around asking if I wore boxers or briefs, remember? So she's going to be the grandmother of Christ, that story's 2,000 years old," he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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