Washington, D.C. - A clearly distraught Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) fought through tears at a hastily organized press conference announcing that she will not be supporting the McCain/Palin presidential ticket after being passed over for the vice president's spot.
"I was shocked when I heard John announce his pick. I thought, this can't be happening. He's selected a nobody from virtually another country when I'm standing right here in Washington, wrapped in the good old red, white, and blue. Do they speak English in Alaska?"
The congresswoman went on to outline her qualifications for the number two spot on the ticket. "I'm more conservative than she is, more fanatical about offshore drilling than she is, more rabidly Christian than she is, and I'm prettier than she is. How did John miss that? Has Sarah Palin ever gripped the shoulder of the President of the United States for an uncomfortably long time?"
Bachmann said she was particularly upset that McCain did not have her on his list of VP possibilities, even though she was sending him telepathic messages every day. "He knew I was contacting him about the position. His body language clearly said, 'I hear you, Michelle. Your spirit talk is strong.' But then he chose to ignore me. I feel cheated. Shunned. Humiliated. And a bit aroused. Okay, I'm late for therapy. Thank you all."