Written by Morse
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Thursday, 11 September 2008

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Report: Denver Mining Office Like Non Stop Fraternity Party!

Denver,Colorado/ AP- Employees of the Mineral Management Office under the auspices of the Department of the Interior, were found to be swapping spit, drugs and exotic vacations in exchange for lucrative oil contracts.

In a report released today, the Inspector General stated the Denver office was run like a fraternity house with rampant sex and drug use among employees, as well as with the lobbyists soliciting the lucrative contracts worth billions.

The investigation was sparked by a 2006 Hot Line Tip from an employee that "something seems to be amiss" in the Denver office. Former head of the office, Steve Smith, was cited for drug use and sex with subordinates. Thirteen other employees of the 33 member staff were found to have accepted "gratuities" from energy companies between 2002-2006.

The office "barters" with energy companies to grant mineral leases in exchange for product in kind, which the agency then sells on the open market. Most revenues, amounting to millions of dollars, are received in CASH.

In addition to the phone tip, the Inspector General was alerted to a possible problem when job applications at the Denver office from graduates of the nation's mining schools jumped 2500 percent from the handful of previous applications. Former employees said they had to endure fraternity hazing such as wearing their thong or jockey shorts on their head, while singing their schools fight song , then being groped and forced to engage in naked food fights.

The Secretary of the Interior said he would probably take action after he gets to read the Inspector General's report. Disciplinary action could include revoking the office's national charter, Double Final Probation, or being forced to move off campus.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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