Written by Mark Garrison
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Wednesday, 10 September 2008

image for Armstrong Vows to Get American Hero Title Back from Phelps

Lance Armstrong today announced that he is returning to the world of cycling as well as inventing a new sport that will allow him to "own" Michael Phelps. Armstrong has apparently heard enough about Phelps and wants to return to his "throne" as "America's only real hero."

Armstrong rode in to the press conference on a golden bicycle and wearing all seven of his Tour De France jerseys. He then slowly jogged up to the podium to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger" and a small child placed a wreath of small yellow jerseys around his neck. "I have come to save the world from this so called 'hero'" said Armstrong. "So this guy swam a few laps, so what? I swim all the time!"

Armstrong then had his crew bring in an Olympic size swimming pool and Armstrong proceeded to break all of Phelps' world records.

Armstrong then got into the pool on his bike and rode back and forth in the water screaming "Look at me! See! I'm better than him!!" Armstrong also announced that he will petition the Olympic Committee to create a new event called water cycling.

Michael Phelps wowed the world when he won eight gold medals at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Armstrong only won seven Tour De France competitions. Armstrong said that he will not only tie Michael Phelps' number eight, but that he will keep cycling till his "lone nut" falls off or Phelps cries, whichever comes first.

When asked if he was actually returning to further promote cancer awareness, Armstrong stated, "Oh yeah, that's why, cancer."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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