Written by Gail Farrelly
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Tuesday, 9 September 2008

image for Boot in the Bum Planned for New York Mayor
No, No, He Won't Go!

Now that Mayor Mike Bloomberg is nearing the end of his eight years in office, rumor is that he's decided not to leave, although term limit laws prevent him from running for another term next year.

"He's like a guest who overstays his welcome," grumbled one New Yorker. "Sure, he did a good job, but that doesn't mean we want him around forever." His opponents, working on a variety of strategies to get him out the door, are confident of success. One points out, "Hey, Giuliani wanted to stay longer than eight years, too, but we got him out. Kick 'em onto the national stage, that's what I say!"

Some think it's best to stick to 'Kill him with kindness' strategies. One proposal is to have a citywide "We love you, thank you, good-bye Mayor Bloomberg," party on Valentine's Day 2009. "He wouldn't have the nerve to stick around after that," said one planner. "Would he?"

Others think hardball tactics are called for -- like changing the locks to City Hall, or having a crane come up outside his office window, lift him out (chair and all), and dump him across the river in New Jersey. "As long as we get him out of New York City, who cares where he goes?" the crane operator has commented. "Listen, if he wants a ride to Washington, D. C., no problem. We can dump His Honor there. It's just a few hundred miles down the turnpike."

Bloomberg isn't worried about any of the rumors. "I have more money than God, and I've fought tougher competitors than cranes. I've always won," said the embattled mayor. Although the mayor insists he's not leaving his NY post, an unnamed source reports that Bloomberg has secretly been researching the possibility of running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, since opportunity for advancement is part of that job description.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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