Buoyed by enthusiastic conservative reaction to his nomination of newcomer, Alaska Governor Sara Palin, John McCain today took the unusual move of naming some of his Cabinet choices. Rick Davis, McCain's campaign manager denied the move was politically motivated and refuted allegations that McCain had totally lost his mind.
"To the best of my knowledge, that is true," said Davis. McCain spent "most of the morning making this important decision," he said.. McCain made the announcement to a surprised group of Japanese tourists in Chicago, who in turn notified the national media.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Idaho senator Larry Craig. McCain called Craig, "a great American who doesn't toe-tap or stall on issues." McCain praised Craig for his efforts at "reaching out to Americans, no matter the walls that exist between them. I've seen Larry widen his stance many times to touch as many people as he can." McCain also emphasized Craig's "intimate knowledge of airports."
Attorney General: Judge Roy Calhoun of Twisted Knee, AZ. "We need a tough man for a tough job," said McCain. Known as "Spittin' Judge Roy" in Arizona, Calhoun is widely known for a 1977 incident in which he spit in the face of a defense attorney. At the time, Calhoun said he was aiming at the spittoon, which was placed next the defense attorney's table 20 feet away. Calhoun has since had 27 other "misses."
Secretary of Energy: Frank Henderson, owner of Frank's Tires and Tacos in Mud Lick, KY. Henderson, owner of a Shell franchise in southern Kentucky, told reporters he was pleased with the job offer but added that he didn't even know how to type. McCain said Henderson was an "honest and capable American with an intimate knowledge of airports." McCain refused to say what airports had to do with the Department of Energy.
Secretary of State: Former Congressman Tom "The Hammer" De Lay of Texas. DeLay was hammered himself in 2005 on numerous charges of campaign finance violations. "Tom can get things done," McCain said. "I think he's a great example to world leaders on how to make things happen, the Conservative Way."
Under Texas law, DeLay is currently unable to travel more than 50 feet from his home. Questioned by reporters about this, McCain became irritated and said, "I've had enough of these personal attacks and the way you left-wing fruitcakes always take every little slip of the tongue I make to divert attention away from the real issues such as the war in Greenland!"
Secretary of Defense: Former US Army General William G. Boykin, Now a professor at the extremely private Mein Kampf School for Aryan Youth somewhere in Texas, Boykin gained notoriety in 2003 when he told reporters that his troops won a recent battle because, "I knew that my God was bigger than His God. I knew my God was real and his was an idol."
Boykin, a born-again Christian, told reporters he was "invigorated" by the nomination and looked forward to the forthcoming "annihilation of our enemies, foreign and domestic, and maybe even some we just don't like a lot. France, for instance."
Secretary of Treasury: Oral Roberts, founder of Oral Roberts University, former hostage of God. "This country is broke," said McCain. "Oral knows how to get money." Roberts made headlines in 1987 when he was taken hostage by God Almighty. The Kidnapper forced Roberts to make television appeals to raise $8 million, or Roberts would be "taken home," a reference some think to the home of Tammy Faye Baker. God was wanted for questioning by investigators looking into the Great Flood, Famine, Disease, War and the election of George W. Bush.
Secretary of Interior: Ann Coulter, Conservative Editorialist and part-time male impersonator. McCain said, "I remember reading Ann's column three days after the 9-11 attacks with tear-filled eyes." On Sept. 14, 2003 Coulter wrote to a grieving nation in search of comforting words, "We should invade those countries, kill their leaders and convert them all to Christianity."
Coulter, responding to a reporter's question about her qualifications, released six Rottweilers which viciously mauled a CNN news crew.
Secretary of Commerce: Rush Limbaugh, Conservative talk show host and ballroom dance dropout. Limbaugh announced the nomination today on his nationally syndicated radio show. McCain reacted to the announcement by saying, "Sure, why not." Limbaugh says he will outlaw trade with Cuba "for all eternity and then some." He will also call for drastic tax cuts for companies which make 100% American products, hearing aids and OxyContin.
Secretary of Education: Mrs. Ethyl Wilcox, McCain's ninth grade English teacher at the exclusive Episcopal High School in Alexandria, VA. Wilcox, 96, now lives at Happy Memories Assisted Living Center in Pumpkin Center, MO. Wilcox was not available for comment. A McCain spokesperson, however, characterized the lifelong educator as "alert and stable, just like John McCain."