Written by Mark Garrison

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Monday, 8 September 2008

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San Antonio Public Health Director Adrian Rodriguez is sick of seeing so many neglected babies in the San Antonio area. Rodriguez says this is due to the teen pregnancy epidemic that has gripped San Antonio for years and that San Antonio has the highest rate of births to girls ages 10 to 14 in the United States.

On an average day, 500 San Antonio babies are aborted and 150 are dropped off at shelters across the city. Of those, statistics show that 149 will grow up to sell and/or use crack, in addition to committing 99% of crime in the San Antonio area.

In an effort to control the unwanted baby population in San Antonio, Rodriguez is implementing a spay and neuter program starting next week to allow parents of teenage boys and girls (especially those with lower incomes) to have their teenagers fixed. While admitting that this program is extreme, Rodriguez says that it's the only option other than his first idea of offering a bounty for shooting infants on site within the city limits. "It's that damn bad" said Rodriguez.

"Having your teenage child spayed or neutered is one of the most important things you can do to help bring this infestation of bastard babies under control," Rodriguez said. "Some people just aren't capable of controlling their teenage child and have no ability to prevent them from having sex. That's where we have to come in and take care of it." Rodriguez continued.

Rodriguez says that his office has already contracted with over 50 pediatricians and obstetricians to provide this service to residents of San Antonio. As an added bonus, the teenager will also be tattooed with their contact information and receive a tracking chip in case they run away. These services will be provided at no cost. Any parent refusing to spay/neuter their teen will have to pay a $500 fine for the first baby, and $1,000 for each additional baby. If a third child is born to a teenager that is not spayed or neutered, Rodriguez says that he will go to their home himself and personally "remove their goodies."

This program is one of many that Rodriguez wants to achieve during his tenure as Health Director. Upcoming projects include replacing the air conditioning system, installing "baby screens" in all high school toilets to prevent baby flushing, and requiring every teenage girl to preform at least one abortion at an area clinic to see exactly what's involved (Doctor supervision will be optional).

Rodriguez said that all of the old ways of trying to deal with this problem need to be thrown out, not unlike an unwanted fetus. He also wants to place condom dispensers in all public parks, provide birth control to San Antonio kindergartners, and install self destruct mechanisms in the wombs of all San Antonio females. These new programs are going to cost an estimated $5 billion according to Raymond Williams, San Antonio's City Manager. Williams stated that the necessary funds will come from a new tax called the, "Seriously, These Horny San Antonio Kids are Having Way too Many Fucking Babies and it's Just Ridiculous and Needs to Stop Tax."

Surprisingly, not all parents are happy about this new initiative. Angela Baxterfield, a 25 year old mother of a 13 year old daughter told us, "What my baby does with her vaginals is her business. I had a baby when I was twelve and I turned out fine." Angela then got in her hot pink station wagon, crashed it into our news van, stole our camera, smiled at us, and smoked some crack.

For more information on the San Antonio Public Health Department Teenage Spay/Neuter Program, call (555) 767-3133.

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