As the clock tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point plan to boost his bum approval rating.
Apart from some creative pronunciation of those pesky words Abu Ghraib,* the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us did not waver from reciting each word that had been written for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job for just $1.2 billion.)
Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear.
National elections will come soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the Supreme Court to seize power.
Supporters say Bush's credibility in handling the war is heightened now that he has been wounded in the line of duty. He's not bragging about it, but the president received a Purple Chin after the bicycle he was piloting was brought down by some rogue freedom-hating loose soil. (Undaunted, Bush reportedly leapt up and asked if the crash could be linked in any way to Saddam Hussein.)
His battle wounds patched and powdered, President Bush said, "A free Iraq will always have a friend in the United States of America." As a bonus, they get a new Big Brother too. The commander-in-church closed with his traditional heavenly high note. "May God bless conservative, heterosexual, pro-life, pro-war America."
* A Humor Gazette poll revealed that 72% of all viewers winced when the president said "Abu Jimbob."