Written by The Strange Gazette
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Thursday, 4 September 2008

image for PayPal Employees to Wear Mandatory Smile Generators
Many lured by bonuses are ready to wear the new device

San Jose Ca., Non-FDIC insured PayPal, a payment method use by sellers and buyers worldwide to buy, sell and trade on eBay, announced today that all employees will be fitted for and required to wear "smile generators."

"This device is designed to make our PayPal representatives sound more like they're smiling, even when they are not." says PayPal Supervisor Alotta Bulcarp. While the actual device has yet to be officially released, several employees are adamantly ready and willing to use these contraptions as all users who do will receive a monthly bonus.

The device, a dual-sided steel c-clamp, will be attached to the left and right sides of the mouth and held by thin tension cables which wrap around the ears, much like a pair of eyeglasses. The tension cable is then custom adjusted for the user and will constantly be pulling at the sides of mouth creating an artificial smile.

"Its not that uncomfortable, really", claims Ima Shepe, a customer specialist at the PayPal switchboards. "I really do like it a lot. It's stylish, and made of chrome. We also get a free designer drool bucket that attaches to our chin." Ima goes on to say.

Many believe having their mouths and choppers exposed for up to 8 hours a day may be detrimental and pose a real threat to their oral health. Several believe their sex lives will also suffer, while other say that excessive drooling into their keyboards may have them buying new ones on a regular basis.

"This could get expensive for us because we have to buy our own keyboards", says switchboard operator Ben Mehover. "PayPal doesn't cover faulty keyboards."

"Hundreds may be in jeopardy, sustain injury or even a lose the ability to chew" says Duas Yertold, an immigrant from Yucca and a newly recruited employee. "We'll probably need additional dental insurance coverage as well, who's going to pay for that?" he asks.

"We've lowered dental visitation fees and adjusted final dental repair fees" was the headlines in the employee circular aptly named "The PayPer".

"If this new policy is anything like what they did to those sorry saps and sellers over at eBay, we're going to be paying fees until we die. Who knows? There may even a be a clause somewhere in that mound of "sign here" papers that says you can't die until your bill is paid off", exclaimed 4 year employee Yuwana Kwiki.

Many employees are also crying foul as their dental plans are conveniently being modified as well. Ironically, under the new plan, employees will be judged monthly and receive bonuses based on how many times they don't visit their dentists.

The new DSR, or Dental Service Record system will be based on a 5 point star system whereas other employees and co-workers will anonymously judge each other based on their dental visits.

As with all feedback systems associated with eBay, this DSR system is no different and will not be verified for authenticity or accuracy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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