Chat show queen Oprah Winfrey today claimed that American elections are not dumb childish soap operas.
At a special exclusive show, filmed live before a carefully scripted audience, she said: 'OK, today we have 2 people who claim - despite all the evidence - that American elections are not a total waste of time and money, and that George Bush is not a brain-damaged, cretinous joke. Let's hear it for - Senator John McPain, and Senator Barack Aloha!' [canned applause].
'So, Senator McPain', she said, 'what have you to say about the allegations that US elections make my show look like an intelligent, democratic debate?' 'Well, Missie, when I was 12 I was captured by them Injuns in my garden, so vote for me, or else I'll go and get captured by them Russkies in the next street, and will bust out crying like an infant. Oh, and my skin is white, unlike yours.'
'And Senator Aloha, do you have any adult policies to get the people's vote?' 'Oprah - and let me say you is lookin' mighty fine tonight, baby - I may not be American, but I sho' has taken acting' layessons. And the rumors that mah election campaign is about as intelligent and important as Robert Mugabe's one is one that I, er, deny.'
'But what do you say about the voters, John, the millions who say 'Why is McPain such a pain, with no policies or even brains, and why isn't he in a home?'' 'I say ask Mr Bush, he tells me what to say.' 'And what do you say, Senator Aloha, about the fact that Americans think you're just a phoney JFK impersonator, that couldn't run a ladies' tea room in your part time?' 'Well, Opie, my teeth says it all. Vote for me, or else it's Adolf Painler!.' 'Vote for me, or it'll be Lenin Obamski!'
[camera pans out to Oprah's windup] 'So people, you've seen how 2 sad idiots are so childish they have no policies, and can't even talk like adults, yet are still [shudders] Presidential candidates. On the next show, how Americans get conned into sending billions of tax dollars to fascist states that hate them, and then send their soldiers to defend them. All that on the next Oprah Winfrey Show!' [canned applause].
'Well, that went kinda well, Obama, I mean nobody noticed we're dumb idiots with no policies, right?' 'Sure, John, as long as we wave and grin and say nothing, the morons will vote for us.' 'And if I don't win, I'll rig the vote again!.' 'That's democracy for ya, John!' 'Ain't we a republic?' 'Who cares?' 'Not me!'
This Oprah Winfrey Show episode was cancelled, due to being too truthful. On next week's show how Watergate never happened, and the Twin Towers mysteriously fell down when it was scientifically impossible for it to happen. Where is satire when you need it? Not in the land of the free French fries, fo' sho' [canned laughter].