Written by Joe Leary
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Topics: Washington, al-Qaeda

Thursday, 27 May 2004

image for Ashcroft issues terrorist warnings
Ashcroft and Mueller

Washington - Attorney General John Ashcroft has issued a warning about possible Al-Qaeda attacks this summer. Ashcroft said, "We thought they would take the summer off. Typically, Al-Qaeda vacations in Amish country or the Outer Banks of North Carolina for the summer. Apparently, there are strong indications they still hate Americans and decided to work this summer."

Ashcroft said that recently increased "chatter" indicates that they plan to hit the United States really hard. When asked if they knew what the chatter was about, FBI Director Robert Mueller said, "It was mostly just everyday chit-chat like who should win American Idol, the Sopranos, and how much they despise Americans and Simon Cowell." Mueller added that Ayman Al Zawari believes that John Stevens should have won American Idol, and that, "The infidels have screwed up again."

Ashcroft admitted that they were not completely sure if the chatter was due to increased terrorist activity, or because it is sweep weeks for the networks. However, he did say that the chatter was significant enough to warrant the warning because Al-Qaeda did discuss some of the ways they would attack American targets. One plan overheard discussed was, since they have found it increasingly difficult to acquire biological weapons during the Iraq war, Al-Qaeda plans on crop dusting large American cities with itching powder to drive everyone crazy.

Another specific target mentioned was the Republican National Convention in Manhattan. They believe several Al-Qaeda members planned to strap on bombs, disguise themselves as Michael Moore, and enter the convention under the guise of making a documentary. Since several Al-Qaeda can fit in to a Michael Moore costume they believe once the bombs were detonated in the convention it would cause considerable casualties. This idea was scrapped because even the terrorists did not want to be associated with Michael Moore.

During the press conference one reporter asked why they decided not raise the threat level since the warnings were so ominous. John Ashcroft answered, "We did not want to confuse the President. Like everyone else the President gets very confused when the threat level is changed. In December we raised it from yellow, indicating an "elevated" risk, to orange, indicating a "high" risk. We then returned the level to yellow in January. The president's head was spinning for weeks. We decided to leave it where it is since it really doesn't mean anything anyway."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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