Alarmed by a recent Humor Gazette poll in which 75 percent of U.S. teenagers identified Bush as a snotty British rock 'n' roll band and Jesus as a shortstop for the Angels, President Bush today unveiled a faith-based educational initiative called "No Slacker Left Behind."
Bush plans to reinvigorate the teaching of Civics in the nation's classrooms, having learned that students in the same survey identified Civics as "those cars made by those Japanese dudes." Today's young people, he said, are ignorant about the basics of Democracy and the role of God in American politics.
"Some of these children have never even heard of the Rebelutionary War or the Defecation of Independence," said the president. "Why, in my day, the teachers nurtured our patriotism with stories of the founding fathers -- great men like Thomas Washington and George Jefferson."
Asserting that high school students must be taught the obligations of citizenship and God's important role in politics even if it means using corporal punishment, the president pledged $120 million in funding for steel rulers to discipline those who refuse to chant the "Pledge of Allegiance" and said accountability could be measured using oak yardsticks.
"These kids today need to learn why it is so vital that they exercise their right to vote for the pro-life Republican candidate of their choice," the president continued. "Many of them do not even realize that their God-given duty to carry a gun begins in the womb."
President Bush also suggested that grade-school children could be taught American values using colorful "White House Action Figures" like Ninja Dick Cheney, Rumblin' Rummy Rumsfeld with Kung Fu Grip.