Langley, Va - (9/11 Mess): The CIA's President George Herbert Prescott Bush Center for Intelligence (sic) HQ is getting jittery.
Its X Files division is panicking ahead of Saturday's Virgo new moon when the planet Venus enters Libra, the sign Justice at 14.41 GMT.
"1441 is the number of the UN resolution that nailed Saddam's ass," Agency director Gen Michael Hayden said today, "and exposed the smooth-talkin' forked-tongue KGB bastards that have infiltrated US public life.
"We've covered up for every presidential excrescence and White House-wannabe asshole since LBJ," Hayden continued.
"But this time we're well and truly fucked.
"A covert NATO military intelligence op threatens to unmask Barack Obama as a KGB operative.
"Sure, we know he's leeched off US traitors like the CIA's Aldrich Ames and FBI stooge Bob Hanssen.
"But hey, guys, my ass is on the line over this one."