Senior Bush administration officials have been pressing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to resign because of his role in the Iraq prison abuse scandal. In a four hour meeting with Vice President Cheney and Karl Rove, Secretary Rumsfeld admitted that he purchased a large number of dog collars and leashes at an Alexandria Pet Land and had them shipped to Iraq by FedEx. An un-named source close to the President revealed that Mr. Cheney used various forms of pressure on Secretary Rumsfeld in order to get him to reveal the dog leash purchases. It was reported that Karl Rove, senior advisor to President Bush, held the Secretary of Defense down while the Vice President "put the screws" to Rumsfeld.
Later that afternoon at the Pentagon, Secretary Rumsfeld complained to several generals about the pressure put on him and vowed to get revenge on the White House even if he had to use "every weapon in my arsenal." As a result of Secretary Rumsfeld's rumblings, the National Security Alert System was elevated to Code Orange and the 82nd Airborne Division was dispatched to Washington in anticipation of more infighting among the Bush cabinet.
Meanwhile, rival candidate Senator John Kerry said, "Recent events at the White House show that America needs a new President. We've had enough of Larry, Moe, and Curly!"