Phoenix, Arizona - Barack Obama's decision to release the name of his choice for vice president by text message alert and e-mail is a carefully calculated political strategy meant to keep John McCain in the dark, guessing for days who he is running against, say political strategists.
McCain, who has admitted that he still uses an abacus to count sheep at night to help him get to sleep, insists that he is kept up-to-date on current events by way of carrier pigeon.
"Before I take off my slippers, put on my bed cap and turn off the gas lantern by my brass bedpost," said McCain. "I stretch clear over to the other side of the bed, reach into the inbox of my state-of-the-art transcontinental carrier pigeon network and check if there is a note tied to the foot of 'Old Homer."
McCain insists that there is no more reliable way to send and receive news than by carrier pigeon, particular with "Old Home" at the helm.
"Old Homer' is as reliable as the steam engine and way more reliable than that new printing press or broadcast media," said McCain. "Except, of course, when Mrs. Wilson's cat is around. 'Old Homer' doesn't like cats. He lost his wife and eighteen of kids to that cat."
"Unfortunately, 'Old Homer' was actually killed and half eaten by the neighbor's cat some years ago," said a McCain's campaign aide. "We just didn't have the heart to tell John, so we sent the deceased pigeon to a taxidermist to be stuffed. We've been tying notes to its foot each night to keep McCain abreast of world events ever since."
McCain's aides say they expect to tie a note with the news of who Obama chose for his vice president to "Old Homer's" foot sometime tonight before McCain goes to bed a half-hour or so before sundown.