Washington, DC - Topping the short list of political contenders to share in the Democratic Party's Barack Obama Presidential ticket as vice president, Hillary Clinton has surprisingly pulled ahead in the penis fencing competition secretly held behind the scenes in cigar smoke filled backrooms with the good old boys to determine among themselves who measures up to be the running mate.
"It's solely a Democratic Party tradition that goes back as far back as the party's founding by White men," said a spokesman for the DNC. "So being a woman, Hillary's anatomy definitely worked against her. That's why everyone was surprised when she made the final cut right along with Evan Bayh, Tim Kaine, and Joseph Biden for the no holds bared are you ready to rumble penis fencing finale to be held later this week."
"That's only because they don't know Hillary like I do," said Bill Clinton. "She is the only woman I know who can maintain her femininity and still beat any man in a penis fencing competition. That's why I had to marry her all those years ago she beat me hands down. Even to this very day when I get out of line, she won't hesitate to take me aside pull down her pantsuit and show me whose boss."
According to the DNC rules, as the party's presidential candidate, Obama will then have to choose between one of the two remain finalists as his running mate.
However, despite the Obama camp remaining tightlipped, refusing to either confirm or deny whether Hillary Clinton is still a contender for the position if she places in the finale, Obama made a personal decision to take the opportunity to silence his critics once and for all that he is incapable of responding spontaneously in an executive capacity to a crisis situation, denying rumors that he was taken aback by the news of Hillary making his short list for the vice presidency.
Going against the better advice of his campaign mangers, Obama took the podium at an impromptu press conference attempting to address the matter.
"As every American should be, I'm very proud to be an American today. I mean we all should be proud to be Americans every day, of course, or night for that matter," said Obama who appeared so nervous as he spoke that it brought about a bewildered look among many of the faces in the audience and that let out a collective, huh?
After pausing to clear his throat, drink a glass of water and wipe the beads of sweat from his forehead, a momentarily recomposed Obama continued:
"My point is that if Hillary Clinton should lose, rest assured every woman in America has won," said Obama, appearing even more visibly shaken as he continued, struggling with his speech. "What I'm trying to say to you is whomever I choose as my vice president; know that it will be the best man for the job. Wait -- What I mean is all you women folk will no longer be expected to be satisfied with just making snow angels. No, now you can finally stand side-by-side next to your husbands, brothers, fathers and sons as equals and proudly write your names in the snow right alongside them. Damn it! That didn't come out right either."
Suddenly Obama's microphone went dead and his campaign aides rushed him away from the podium without explanation.
Later, a spokesman for Obama said that he was suffering from a slight case of food poisoning from a sandwich he prepared himself and was not feeling like himself.