5-24-04: In a pivotal, if not desperate attempt to shore up his rapidly crumbling base of support for re-election, President Bush stunned the American public today by proclaiming a new **detailed** "Five Point Plan" for "Victory in Iraq":
"Point No. 1: ***FIRE MOSTLY GRUNTS*** Fire each subordinate Army officer responsible for opposing my Administration's Aberrant Policy of Forcing the Truth Out of Iraqi Detainees in Violation of the Geneva Convention. These subordinate officers 'let us down, big time' by failing to show us the American Way in Iraq.
"Point No. 2: ***INSTALL ASHCROFT IN IRAQ*** I'm sending Attorney General Ashcroft to Iraq to head its new Ministry of Civil Rights to help write and enforce a constitution for it to protect "minor, . . . uh, .. they're not Republicans, I mean, .. "majority rights" like he does here.
"Point No. 3: ***BANISH WOLFOWITZ TO THE CRAWFORD OUTHOUSE*** I'm gonna start listening to my Secretary of State, Colin Powell, and banish Undersecretary of Defense Wolfowitz to my Crawford, Texas's ranch's outhouse where he can 'water away' in private all of his naive ideas about the flowering of a New Democratic Iraq. Hey, I realize now that that was a lot of b...s.... After all, Ashcroft's going to be in charge there for awhile until the Arab World is stabilized enough for freedom (in whichever century that may occur). Probably have to double the size of our troops over there pretty soon and ask for continued $25 billion increments each quarter indefinitely into the future,- 'a long, hard slog,' as Rummy says.
"Point No. 4: ***APPOINT NEW SECRETARY OF THE THESAURUS*** Appoint one of my corny speech writers to the new Cabinet post of "Secretary of the 'Saurus" to help keep up my litany of stirring slogans like 'stay the course,' 'peace through freedom,' 'honor through virtue,' 'democracy through force,' 'force through democracy,' 'success through effort' 'resolve through resolve,' 'evolve through dissolve,' and my new really keen favorite, 'results through prayer,' and other replacements for a Kerry-like, sophisticated policy. Impressive, huh!
Point No. 5 ***CONTINUE NOT TO READ*** Like Rumsfeld, I'll continue not to read the newspapers, nor listen to anyone except each day to study Revelations for guidance and rely on my Veep, Dick "Duck Hunting" Cheney to answer my question, "Howmadoin, Duck?"
John & Mary Q. Public: "Not too good, George," - as in "Major Disappointment - Big Time, in Leading the Western World."