Written by Tyler James Perry
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Saturday, 16 August 2008

image for High Gas prices force Arsonist into Retirement
Harris' last job.

The recent spikes in gas prices have hurt everyone from small businesses to nine-to-fivers in terms of transportation.

While gas prices haven't hurt convicted arsonist Tim Harris' mobility, he has been affected in other ways.

"Sadly, I just can't afford to burn shit up anymore," the 48-year-old Harris said. "I can't afford to buy the gas I need for fires."

Harris has been arrested five times for arson-related charges. In 1992, he doused his ex-wife's home with gasoline and burned it to the ground. Harris wouldn't even think about doing something like that now.

"There's no way in hell I could afford to use that much gas now," the convicted felon said, gazing down at the charred ground of a place he once torched. "I reckon they figure they can put a stop to people like me if they knock the gas prices up real high."

The biggest concern for the lifelong fire-starter will be learning to live in a world with no fire. He started his first fire by burning down his aunt's garage when he was five. An electrical short was blamed for the fire. No one suspected little Timmy because he was considered a sweet kid incapable of such acts.

That consensus changed when at age 14 Harris burned down a church, restaurant and fire station in the same night. Because he set fire to the town's fire station, there was no one to extinguish the heinous fires. He was found hours later leafing through the ashes with a nefarious grin on his face.

Due to his young age, he didn't serve jail time, but at 18, just three months after leaving a juvenile facility, he was arrested for burning down his step-mothers house just days after a dispute. This would be the last fire he would set for a number of years.

"I remember paying for the gas with some change I had saved up in a Mason jar," he said. "Gas was only $.58/gallon that day, so I filled my gas can to the top."

Harris regrets that gas prices are now too high for him to seek his incendiary vengeance.

"I just don't know how I'm going to teach people lessons now," he said, frowning and shrugging his shoulders. "They've just priced me right out of business."

He said he only uses gasoline to start his fires because it's the best way to "make em' pay."

Harris, who once torched a friend's house "just to watch it burn" said that since he's retired from the arson business, he will have more time to do simple things, such as take his dog "Inferno" out for a walk.

While "Inferno" doesn't seem to have the same penchant for fire as his owner, the playful Bull Terrier seems to keep Harris company. He said if he ever got another dog, he would name it "Firebug."

Although gas prices are not likely to go down any time soon, Harris still has his dreams.

"If people would start using the gas they buy to burn down gas stations, they could really teach em' a lesson!"

By Tyler James Perry

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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