Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Saturday, 16 August 2008

image for John McCain To Paris Hilton: "Cosmo, bayatch!"

(Flint-Michigan) First, it was a McCain campaign ad taking a swipe at Barack Obama by comparing him to Paris Hilton. Then, it was Paris Hilton releasing a video, fully clothed for a change, calling McCain a "wrinkly white hair guy." And now it appears that John McCain is ready to bare it all to show he's far from wrinkled in body or mind.

While touring a smelting plant in the rust belt, McCain was wearing a yellow construction hat. The presumptive Republican Presidential nominee was outlining has latest energy conservation plan, a combination of off-shore drilling while providing tax relief as an incentive for factories producing gas powered cars to switch to hybrids, since this would also increase jobs due to increased production. When an AP reporter said that this sounded very similar to the Paris Hilton's plan, McCain took off his yellow hard hat and said, "All I need is this hat, a tool belt and a bear skin rug and nothing else, and I'll show that young lady who is wrinkled. I have three words for Miss Hilton: Burt Reynolds, "Cosmo", bayatch!" An ABC cameraman attempted to correct Senator McCain, telling him that was actually four words. But McCain recovered with the reply, "You go with McCain, you always get that little something extra."

And it would have been a typical McCainism and disappeared at that. Until, an audience member again raised the question at one of the many Town Hall meetings that have sprung up across the country like mushrooms in a rain forest after a monsoon. "Are you really going to do a centerfold like the one Burt Reynolds did for "Cosmopolitan" in the 1970s," asked Matilda Barry. McCain responded, "Of course not! Burt was photographed without the hardhat. I would never do that. It sends a negative message to the youngsters that loafing is good. Kids, work hard. Stay in school. Be cool.

Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama was quick to respond, taking time out from a combination CYO basketball tournament and discussion forum on his Iraq strategy. "I think we need to maintain a focus on the issues and not rely on stunts to show that youth is key rather than experience. Senator Obama then proceeded to crash the boards with a power lay-up outlining his timetable for US troop withdrawal in Iraq before the stuff.

Paris Hilton has remained silent on the matter. However, a USA Today/CNN/Funnyor Die poll showed that if the election were held tomorrow, Paris Hilton would best both McCain and Obama by 15%.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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