Washington, D.C. -- According to researchers at the Cancer Research Center in Washington, D.C., the homeless are much less likely to get cancer than those with a roof over their head.
Scientists and doctors alike at the Center claim that their evidence is conclusive and irrefutable. Dr. Aman Likinstone, chief researcher on the study, told reporters that "this is not one of those many cancer studies that will be released and then contradicted two days later. This is 100% undoubtedly true. No study will ever prove otherwise."
Although his words seem bold, the results of the study are astonishing. The study consisted of three groups that each consisted of 10,000 people: apartment dwellers, homeowners, and homeless. During the ten years of the study, which remained a secret until the results were announced on Friday morning, each member of each group was required to keep the same living arrangements. At the end of the ten year period, researchers noted that homeowners and apartment dwellers were well over 5000% more likely to get cancer than the homeless. Although the difference between homeowners and apartment dwellers was slight enough to be coincidence, homeowners had a better chance of getting cancer than apartment dwellers.
"We haven't figured out why these results are so dramatic or why living in a home or apartment makes one more likely to get cancer than a homeless person. It could be the increased amounts of electric currents flowing around the body, it could be the increased exposure to appliances or natural gas, or perhaps it's just because those living in homes or apartments live much longer and thus are more likely to get cancer during the course of their lives," Livinstone said.
Regardless of the reason, this comes as good news during the recent rash of home foreclosures. When asked what he was going to do next, recent home-loser Ronald Robertson said, "Are you kidding? This is a Godsend. I'm going to take my family and live on the streets. One thing's for certain: we aren't going to get cancer like everyone else."
Most experts are encouraging people not to give up their homes and live on the streets. But for now, those on the streets have reason to celebrate.
Local homeless man and self-proclaimed but unconfirmed veteran Ribshure Wiggins told reporters that "it's about time we get some good news coming our way. For the first time in twenty-five years, I'm glad to be homeless."