Written by wasabinoir
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Friday, 25 July 2008

image for Robert Novak takes out one liberal with his Corvette

Conservative columnist Robert Novak has taken the notion of politics as contact sport to new lengths today when he splayed a pedestrian onto his windshield and continued driving down the street. Upon being accosted by a witness, Mr. Novak indicated that "I didn't know that I hit him."

The victim was a former editor of a traditionally liberal law journal. Police are still investigating the matter, which occurred only hours ago. The Schadenfreude Post will report further on the situation as facts become available.

Some witnesses at the scene reported that Mr. Novak was shouting that he was "The Prince of Darkness" and that "Heath Ledger is a wuss" in the moments after an alarmed civilian flagged down the manic columnist.

TSP mental health advisor Alcofribas Nasier noted that the victim bore a striking resemblance to former CIA operative Valerie Plame, who was illegally burned as an agent through the reporting of Mr. Novak. He also noted that Mr. Novak's use of a black Corvette to commit his attempted assassination said a lot about his mental state and virility.

"It is possible that the 77-year old curmudgeon saw the victim walking down the street and presumed that he had to take her out of commission" before she could extract revenge for his underhanded role in the destruction of her career, said Mr. Nasier. "I'm convinced that Mr. Novak believes that he is more sinister and diabolical than The Joker."

Unfortunately, Mr. Novak forgot that he wasn't in Chicago anymore, where such antics are not only tolerated but a necessary part of career development in the news and politics business.

Vice President Dick Cheney issued a press release that expressed his hope for a quick recovery for "the Harvard liberal." Mr. Cheney's office is also floating a trial balloon to the effect that Mr. Novak was acting in self defense, as he truly believed that Ms. Plame was part of a secretive group of ninja-secret agent liberals out to get him and thought that Harvard Law Review was the center of the conspiracy.

Mr. Novak had no comment when informed by TSP that Harvard is known for "liberal arts," which is quite different than liberal political views.

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