Written by John Carroll
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Topics: abuse

Sunday, 23 May 2004

image for Dick Dastardly Arrested For Abuse
Dastardly, while plotting a nefarious scheme.

Dick Dastardly has had a long and illustrious career of contemptible, rotten, and sometimes downright despicable deeds. However, recently all of the trouble he has caused in the past caught up with him, and he was finally arrested for animal abuse outside of a McDonalds in Kentucky today.

Dastardly's career began with a group of aviators called The Vulture Squadron, whose single task was to "Stop The Pigeon". After numerous failed attempts to do just that, Dastardly left behind former allies Klunk and Zilly to join the Wacky Races.

Driving their car, the Mean Machine, across such races as the "See Saw to Arkansas" and the "Dopey Dakota Derby", Dastardly still had little luck, but gained notoriety by using various nefarious tricks.

"We sometimes wondered why he liked those traps so much." Peter Perfect, driver of the Turbo Terrific told reporters. "He would somehow manage to drive miles in front of the racers, then would stop and wait for the others to spring the traps. Most of the time they'd just wind up backfiring on him, too."

At every step in his fumbling career, though, Dastardly always had his canine companion, Muttley by his side. The dog, whose infamous snicker and muttering speech patterns sometimes led him to be more popular than his partner, would often receive the blunt of Dastardly's anger.

"He was always hitting the dog." Professor Pat Pending said when asked about his former fellow racer. "Of course, the dog would usually then bite him, but still... Dick hit him a lot. Penelope tried to ask him to stop once, but he just didn't listen."

When questioned, Muttley himself only responded with a series of inaudible mumbles. Muttley is currently being treated for multiple head injuries that he has sustained over the years.

When reporters questioned Dastardly himself, he only responded with, "Drat." Later adding, "Double drat."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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