Chappaqua, N.Y, July 2008: An Anti-Political Suicide Training school has been established here to help politicians cope with appearing on TV and radio interview shows and not get their butts kicked or a foot stuck in their mouth.
This training school is a non-partisan joint venture between Bob Jones University in Greenville South Carolina and the University of California at Berkeley.
The 435 members of the US House of Representatives and the 100 members of the US Senate have enrolled for the fall semester. The presumptive presidential candidates Senator John McCain and Senator Barack Obama are waiting until after November 4, 2008 to sign up for training.
Verbal hand to hand combat, verbal marshal arts techniques and having the proper political credentials are to be taught. According to the head professor Senator Hillary Clinton, "a journalist is your worst nightmare, who will go to any lengths in order to injure or destroy your political career." She then added, "never get mad at a journalist, like some ex-presidents I know."
Here are some behavioral suggestions from Ms. Hillary's class on national Personalities in Broadcast Journalism, PB&J-101 (Hillary's teaching assistant is Dr. James Dobson):
Rush Limbaugh, EIB Network: Don't ever ever ever go on this show if you are a Democrat, under any circumstances, but if you must bring sewer covers to sit on.
Bill O'Reilly, The Factor: It helps to be a Republican, know the subject matter you are talking about, wear asbestos diapers and don't irritate Mr. O'Reilly.
Barbara Walters and the Ladies, The View: Go on only if you are a Democratic black, Lesbian, Jewish female who loves Al Gore or you are Senator Barack Obama.
Larry King Live: No advanced preparation is necessary, as Larry is a pussy cat who only asks softball questions
Keith Olbermann, Countdown: Have your ACLU card, ADA membership and Democratic Party card all handy for inspection; the ability to chew gum and randomly bash President Bush at the same time; and be able to roll up sheets of paper into little cookie shapes and then to "toss your cookies."
Jon Stewart, The Daily Show: Be yourself and not full of yourself, as nothing helps get Jon going more than politicians who are full of themselves.
Al Franken, Air America: Talk softly, such that you don't wake Al up or join him for a nap as nobody's listening anyway.
Specialized classes, e.g. PB&J-102 etc, will consider local broadcast journalists on air in each of the 50 states. Each of these classes will be taught by the respective state's governor, e.g. California by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.