Written by John Carroll
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Topics: Court, abuse

Friday, 21 May 2004

image for Gen. Schoomaker Stabs Own Eyes Out
Schoomaker, shown gouging out his eyes.

It had seemed like a normal day of continuing testimony about the Iraqi prisoner abuse photos for General Richard B. Myers and the others attending the court. As various lawmakers questioned the General, the nearby General Peter J. Schoomaker suddenly shouted "It's not worth it anymore!" then plunged his fingers into his own eyes, shocking but not quite surprising all who attended.

"We all knew it would be only a matter of time before one of these guys decided to stab their eyes out." Said one of the many lawmakers, who wished to remain anonymous. "In fact, we were all making bets during the testimonies about who would be the one who wound up doing it and with what nearby weapon."

This, of course, explains why a man in the courtroom stood up shortly after the event, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Yes! Three hundred bucks!" The man reportedly then chanted "In your face!" over and over again while pointing his finger at fellow lawmakers before he was asked to sit back down.

Even as nearby people scrambled to attempt to avoid the blood that had begun to spray out of what remained of Schoomaker's eye sockets, debate began to rage about why, exactly, he had done it. Many experts suspect that this was a desperate bid to try and distract the lawmakers form the questioning, perhaps enticing them to ease off a bit out of sympathy. Others, however, believe that the pressure of it all merely just got to him.

Throughout all of the chaos, Myers faithfully continued to give his testimony, even as he was covered in blood of the retired general. Some are awed and slightly frightened by this dedication, but others merely take it as proof that Army officials have simply 'tuned out' everything having to do with the Iraqi prisoner abuse photos.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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