Written by John Carroll
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Topics: Police, Crime

Friday, 21 May 2004

image for Tommy Vercetti Arrested
Vercetti, with suspected accomplice O.J. Simpson.

After a crime spree which lasted nearly two hours and raged all the way from Washington Beach to just outside of the Ammu-Nation shop in Downtown, Tommy Vercetti was apprehended by the Vice City police department earlier today.

Despite this, however, many of the citizens out and about Vice City are not pleased of what they feel are incompetent police force. "It's just pathetic at times." Said one random pedestrian. "I've seen him (Tommy) drive into a Pay N' Spray shop with the cops right on his tail, then drive out in the exact same car with a yellow paint job, and the cops were completely fooled." The pedestrian was then crushed by a man driving a Cheetah.

"It's so bad you can find Police Bribes nearly everywhere." Complained a man who looked exactly like the pedestrian that was just ran over. "I found one in the bushes out in my front yard the other day. 'Honey?' I says to my wife, 'Do we need to take a star off of our wanted level?' It took me nearly 30 minutes to realize that my wife was killed by some maniac with a Katana while I was outside."

Tommy, whose killing spree had begun when he cut into a girl on roller blades outside of the Ocean Beach Hotel with a chainsaw then hopped onto a parked Vespa, has been avoiding the police for quite some time. "We nearly had him last Sunday." Police Chief Warden told reporters. "But he grabbed one of those floating Change Clothes thingies."

Tommy Vercetti's lawyer, Ken Rosenberg, simply had this to say about the arrest - "My client is an innocent man." This stands in stark contrast to hundreds of eye-witness reports who all say they saw Tommy gunning down and running over nearly everyone in site.

"The real crime in this is that he'll be back out on the streets in 6 hours or so." Sighed another pedestrian. "Minus his weapons and some of his cash, of course, but that's hardly compensation for having a killer out on the loose again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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