Written by 3.14159
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Topics: Twinkie

Friday, 21 May 2004

Hostess, a wholly owned subsidiary if International Bakers announced the production of its two-millionth twinkie.

Bob Falmouth, 34, second shift manager of one of the local bakeries in Philadelphia said, "We've been rolling these bad-boys off the assembly line, ‘round the clock at 12-bakeries across the United States for the past 74-years. I guess it was inevitable that we'd hit this mark sooner or later."

Falmouth has been with International Bakers for 10-years, eight of them as second-shift manager.

Public Relations Director, Bob Hornblower, was asked about the history of the snack cake. Hornblower told a story that seems shrouded in folklore, but he assured this reporter that every word was true. It seems that chemist Peter Yubbins was in the company cafeteria one day for lunch, trying to scarf-down a piece of yellow-cake that his wife made for him for dessert. Yubbins was getting embarrassed as he had to continually go back through the serving line to refill his glass of milk to help with the overly dry yellow cake. On his fourth trip through the line, one of the burly fork-lift drivers decided to trip the pencil-necked, geeky Yubbins. When he did, Yubbins' milk spilled all over the place. Yubbins stood up, and looked at the spill. He later told everyone that the spill was in exactly the shape of a poly-peptide based, 7-10-12 carbon ring. Then it hit Yubbins. As if staring off into the heavens for guidance, he is rumored to have said, "If I add a hydroxyl anion to this +3 cation group over here that would generate constant hydrostatic pressure. This could be added to a pasty cream filling that could be injected into cake, and then the cream filling would keep the outer cake moist and fresh for years."

And, thus the Twinkie was born.

When Hornblower was asked if a Twinkie provided any real food value, he said, "Certainly. Why, it has something from each of the four food groups. It has one from the yellow-cake group, one from the pasty filling group, one from the FD&C yellow #3 group, and one from the polysorbate-60 group."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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