Hasbeen Aid, the benefit concert that raises publicity and royalties for aging rock and country stars, will be held in New England this year.
Organiser John Mellencamp said: 'Yes, we've lined up some of the biggest hasbeens in history - well, when I tell you that The Rolling Stones, without Brian Jones and Bill Wyman, and The Who, well half of The Who, will be headlining, it just shows you they're really desperate for publicity. Of course, some of the performers were never really famous in the first place, like me and Bruce Hornsby weren't, and some of them are actually dead, but that isn't the point. The point is that there are ancient stars dying to get in the news again, and begging to get plenty of greenbacks, so thanks for putting this in the news.'
Hasbeen Aid began in 2005, when Bob Dylan, inspired by Live Aid, said: 'I just hope that some of the publicity going to current stars .... will maybe, like, be given to musicians already long due in retirement homes - like Neil Young, and myself, and The Allman Brothers.' Mellencamp and Willie Nelson then bribed newspapers and magazines to report on the concert, though some editors had to be forced to view the event at gunpoint, such was the tragedy it represented.
Speaking from his home in London, Live Aid's Bob Geldoff said: 'Let's just hope that Farm Aid keeps working. Live Aid was the first to make bands and artistes nobody could remember famous again for a few days, people like Black Sabbath and The Boomtown Rats. Though Paul McCartney doesn't need any help in staying famous for no reason, so don't give him any of yer publicity!'
The Hasbeen Aid concert will be held in a huge field near Boston, Massachussets, and thousands of farmers are expected to turn up at the event. Stalls will sell rotten fruit and vegetables, for them to throw at the likes of Steel Pulse and Dave Earle, and a special CD and record-burning bonfire will take place after the last act.
One local farmer said: 'Yeah, it'll be like Woodstock all over again. OK, maybe not, it'll be like the bands you can hire for your grandparents' anniversary party, except these hasbeens are all great grandparents now!' Keith Richards was having a nap.