(Auburn, Alabama) Auburn University will change its name as of July 1, 2004 to Satan University. Speaking to the assembled press outside the Haley Center, Auburn President Joey Klind made the announcement saying it was an opportunity for growth the Auburn Trustees simply could not ignore. The reason for the change? Try three billion reasons.
The three billion dollar bequest is the largest ever received by an American educational institution. The American Church of Devil Worshippers, in whose name the bequest arrived, said they were proud to be associated with a University which has for years espoused similar goals and morals as the Church. As part of the bequest, Auburn was required to change the name of the University, change the school's mascot from a tiger to Spawn of Satan, and make every effort to ensure that students and alumni no longer scream "War Eagle." The new substitute cry at athletic events will be "Win for me oh Satan!"
Located in East Alabama in the heart of the Bible belt, Auburn has never been associated with first rate academics; one former trustee even said Auburn did not strive to be the Harvard of the South, rather it was happy as a middle class school for middle class students.
Auburn has fallen on hard economic times of late and the bequest, "came at just the right time," said Klind. "We have had to make hard choices because of money, closing the English Department, closing the Vet School. This donation means we can reopen most of the closed departments and even add the College of Satanist Studies."
Satanist studies will be a first for any US University, but Klind was enthusiastic about Auburn being on the cutting edge of something.
All students will be required to study the Bible of Satan for one semester but will not be forced to take part in Black Mass. "Study Below" programs will be made available to interested students as part of the bequest.
"All of us in education speak of diversity, but diversity usually is a buzz word for those things the faculty and administration of a university approves. We never see classes taught by degenerates and murderers. The KKK never has a seat at the table. We want to open the doors to all groups here at Satan University. We want diversity to actually mean diverse. This is a first step down that road."