Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Sunday, 13 July 2008

image for Phil Gramm to help Whining Americans; plans to lower nation's recommended daily dietary calorie count intake from 2,000 to 1,500
Wake up America and enjoy your short sized cup of coffee and reduced national recommended daily calorie intake donut

Washington DC - While short-sizing food products is helping Wall Street shore up corporate profits by hiding inflation from unsuspecting Americans, some consumers on Main Street are nevertheless beginning to notice that they are not getting the same bang for their buck.

Although spending the same amount of money on the same food products at the same grocery store and restaurants as before, they are not getting the same nutritional value as before. Moreover, many are beginning to experience significant weight loss.

In response, John McCain's chief economic advisor, Phil Gramm, is planning to order the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) conjointly with the local county weights and measures departments around the nation to lower the national recommended daily calorie count intake from 2,000 to 1,500, once the Supreme Court appoints McCain President in the fall.

"Now less prosperous Americans won't feel like they are being cheated by corporate America or suffering needlessly at the hands of an incompetent, uncompassionate Republican administration," said a spokesman for the McCain campaign.

True, Americans may begin to notice significant weight loss as calories are slowly being depleted from their bodies, but not just because food product short sizing, say nutritionists.

"No, rather it will because the short sizing packaging will be meeting the new lower national recommended daily calorie count intake of 1,500, printed on the back or side of the newly reduced packaging sizes consumers buy," said Pete Boggs, chief dietitian at the City of Hope.

Another added benefit of the new national lowered recommended daily calorie count intake of 1,500, says McCain's top economic advisor is that in the long run there will be less Americans whining, as they will be too weak to complain or voice their dissent.

McCain denies that he is adopting a new race to the bottom economy strategy rather than implementing proven inflation combating measures such as food and fuel rationing and cracking down on oil speculators. Arguing that the benefits of the new lower national recommended daily calorie count has nothing to do with economics but instead is just his way of proving he is concerned with making Americans healthier.

"We have become a nation of whiners and couch potatoes," said one of McCain's top economic advisors. "It's time for Americans to get fit in this so-called recession, imaginary or real. By Jove, it's just the excuse we need to get off out backsides and move a little ass around here -- Speaking of which, has anyone seen my Page?"

The Department of Transportation (DOT) estimates that this year alone there will be ten millions less Americans on the road, due to the high price of gas.

"That coupled with Americans having to walk back and forth to their local grocery store several times to buy the same food products over and over again. And all thanks to short sizing," said a spokesman for McCain.

As a result, nutritionists confirm significant and sustained weight loss is achievable. However, it will be at a dangerously unhealthy level and alarming rate.

"Now do you see the benefits of short sizing, rising fuel costs coupled with a lowered national recommended daily calorie count intake of 1,500?" said McCain's top economic advisor. "Why if everything goes as planed, we may surpass New Delhi or Africa in infant mortality rates by this time next year, further reducing both the number of mouths we have to feed and decreasing our dependence on foreign oil. The news just seems to be getting better and better by the day."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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