Democratic Presidential Candidate and Illinois Senator Barack Obama has decided to quit his campaign and drop out of the race for the White House.
"I just don't think that I can win anymore," said the first black nominee. "I've decided to suspend my campaign and save everyone a lot of time and money and effort in a losing cause."
When asked what prompted this decision, Obama announced that "I've had more flip flops in stories about my past than you will find on the beach on Saturday. I'm getting tired of denying and changing stories about my past and my voting record to please every special interest group out there."
"I think that this country deserves a lot better than an unqualified Freshman Senator who can't make up his mind or write his own speeches."
"I've listened to the advice of many influential people in politics, including former Vice Presidential nominee and Senator Joe Lieberman. He told me that it was better to lose with grace and dignity now than be a sore loser and spoiled brat like his running mate, Al Gore."
Obama announced that he has decided to follow his "destiny" and his family history and choose a career that would make his father's family proud. "I'm returning to my roots. I'm moving back to the middle east and am going to train to be a suicide bomber."
"If I can take out those Americans who invented the AIDS virus to keep the black men down, I'm sure I'll make Reverend Wright proud."