Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: New York, Attacks

Wednesday, 19 May 2004

image for Hindsight 9/11 for Former WTC Director
Safety over aesthetics

New York - Alan Reiss testified today in front of the 9/11 commission about what information he possessed about potential terrorist actions leading up to the September attacks. Pointed questions were asked about the functioning ability of escape plans for the World Trade Towers and a lack of shared information between different authorities.

Commission chairman Thomas H. Kean made reference to the numerous warning signs and ominous memorandums sent out leading up to the attacks. He asked Reiss to explain why more attention wasn't paid to what, in his view now, were obvious signs terrorist were going to hijack a plane and fly it into the towers.

"Mr. Reiss, did you happen to order and eat Chinese takeout on July 23rd, 2001?" When the WTC Director answered in the affirmative Kean went for the jugular, "What did the fortune say inside of your desert cookie when it was broken open that evening?" As Alan Reiss paused, Kean threw in the clincher, "Does ‘Outlook not promising' sound familiar Director Reiss?"

Later in the two-hour long session the questions turned to the Twin Tower's preparedness in dealing with cataclysmic events. Mr. Reiss began this portion by outlining the standing procedures for leaving the towers whenever something like a fire or perhaps a bomb threat struck. Before he was able to finish his prepared safety statements Commissioner John Lehman-R NJ interrupted to ask questions pertaining directly to how "the powers that be did not have the foresight to at least put parachutes on some of the higher floors?" Reiss appeared mystified as he answered apologetically, "I don't have an answer for that."

During a break the Commissioners bantered about with talk of what could have been on their lips. Commissioner Fred F. Fielding described how an intense coordinated effort to "bubble wrap" the buildings could have secured the structure and prevented even the "slightest of marks. My wife buys Precious Moments figurines and not one has arrived damaged thanks to bubble wrap." Chairman Kean concurred offering up, "I know it is whimsical but perhaps a large net could be stretched across important areas of the city when we get a head's up on things like this. I mean it would have worked for the coyote if ACME could make a decent product."

The 9/11 Commission will reach a final verdict with the intentions of righting the wrongs of that horrible September day as soon as the technology is available to build a working time machine.

In a related development, a commission will be formed to look into the Pearl Harbor debacle that started World War II to see how that should have been handled. Executives at the History Channel are reportedly wetting themselves.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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