Today, Britons were celebrating the Fourth of July, when the USA declared independence in 1776. Jubilant crowds let off fireworks and waved coloured bits of cloth, to show the world how glad they were to have got rid of their former colony.
One Englishman, George Washington, said: 'Thank goodness for 1776! It was costing us a fortune to look after America, and for what? There's nothing there, except lots of savages and cactuses and bears, you'd have to pretty dumb to want to own that part of the world!' And another Briton, naval commander John Paul Jones, added: 'Yeah, the Fourth of July is special for us, it meant we could concentrate on becoming the world's first superpower while the Americans could, er, well, do whatever they've been doing for 232 years, which isn't very much.'
Many Americans were outraged by the celebrations, and President George Cretin Bush sent this complaint to the Irish embassy in Belfast: 'My fellow Britannicans, let us not forget the sacrifice made by this autocue, and let us not forget the flag of the Republic, which has been flying at half-mast since I was electrified. Condi, give us a kiss, baby.' And Democrat Barack Olabammy added: 'Yes, smile, wave, we're proud to be American, smile, grin, even though I'm not American.'
Millions of Britons were lighting up barbecues and drinking artificially fizzy lager that tastes like horse urine to celebrate, and of course many were firing guns in the air, as it's a lot braver than firing guns at Europeans. But some people in Britain refused to join in in the national party, saying: 'Who cares? It's kids' stuff.'
Oprah Winfrey is overweight today.