Editor's Note: Due to a malfunction of the Spoof's flux capacitor, the following story was inadvertently posted nearly 6 months before it was written, it was not supposed to be published until November 10, 2004. Our sincerest apologies for any confusion this may have caused.
The continuing "Race Wars" have claimed another 174,217 victims in the past 24 hours, bringing the death toll to over 1.2 million. The National Guard have thus far been helpless to stave off the waves of violence due to their diminished domestic presence, as most of the armed forces in America had been deployed in the middle east prior to President Bush's reinstatement of the draft less than two months ago. The following is a timeline of events leading up to the race wars which began just one week ago today:
August 1, 2004 - before departing for his 5 week vacation at his Midland, Texas ranch, U.S. President George W. Bush proposes a new bill to Congress. Known as the VWB bill (Voting While Black bill), the newly proposed legislation sought to make voting while black a crime, punishable by the federal death penalty. Bush justified this new action by pointing out that blacks disproportionately vote for Democrats, and it was unfair to the U.S. population to have their elections disproportionately skewed by any one group of individuals.
August 4, 2004 - Kobe Bryant is convicted of raping a white girl, though he is sentenced to only 2 months in jail and ordered to pay $1 million to the victim, he is lynched by a group of rich white Vail, Colorado residents who manage to keep their identities under wraps.
August 15, 2004 - Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Martin Luther King III and Louis Farrakhan come together in an unprecedented show of solidarity among the black leadership of America to publicly condemn the actions of the Bush Administration in proposing the VWB bill.
August 27, 2004 - The VWB bill is passed by the Republican controlled House of Representatives.
September 3, 2004 - The VWB bill is passed by the Republican controlled Senate.
September 6, 2004 - The VWB bill is signed into law as President Bush's first action after returning from his five week vacation.
September 7, 2004 - Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Martin Luther King III urge calm in the black community and propose a plan of non violent civil disobedience to vocally demand the repeal of the VWB doctrine, and to culminate in the crossing the voting lines by blacks of America in defiance of the VWB doctrine, which does not specifically make it "impossible" for blacks to vote, just "punishable". Jackson points out that if 10 million blacks vote, it would be logistically impossible for the U.S. government to arrest and execute them all.
September 8, 2004 - Louis Farrakhan breaks from the ranks of Jackson, Sharpton and King to espouse a violent uprising, urging his supporters to take back the right of blacks to vote by any means necessary, via his now legendary "Let the blood of 10 million honkeys flow through the streets" speech.
September 10, 2004 - Louis Farrakhan is assassinated by Billy Tom Jacobsen, a white supremacist Alabama coal miner, who is released from custody 2 days later on a technicality.
September 14, 2004 - Bush announces reinstatement of the draft, immediately sending deployment notices to several million young men between the ages of 18 and 26.
September 18, 2004 - An astute reporter notices that half the adult male black population has been drafted, along with only about 1,500 poor white men. Bush immediately blames Diebold, the company which manufactured the machines which selected the names of the draftees, and Choice Point Technologies, which was paid 10 times the going rate to provide the government with a specially sorted list of those who had registered for Selective Service.
September 21, 2004 - Black U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is found dead in a hotel room, having choked on the pubic hair of an unknown hooker and having run out of Coca Cola with which to wash it down. Bush immediately nominates David Duke to fill his vacancy.
September 22, 2004 - Condeleeza Rice and Colin Powell hold a joint press conference to denounce the new racist policies of the Bush administration, both are summarily fired and discredited by the White House as disgruntled future former employees.
September 28, 2004 - Michael Jackson is convicted on every criminal count facing him. Race riots begin in the streets of seventeen major U.S. cities and last until October 1.
October 7, 2004 - every single white former executive of Enron, Adelphia, Worldcomm and Tyco is simultaneously acquitted and released from custody.
October 11, 2004 - Al Sharpton becomes fed up with the disparity between white and black America and Bush's racist policies. At a speaking engagement in Ohio, he learns that Bush is holding a fundraiser across the street, cuts short his speech, runs over to the Bush fundraiser intending to, as he told supporters, "bitch slap some sense into the dude," only to be shot and killed by the secret service who knew something was suspicious when they saw a black man at a Bush fundraiser.
October 12, 2004 - Jessie Jackson and Martin Luther King III go into hiding issuing a joint press release stating "you niggas is on your own."
October 14, 2004 - Michael Jackson, appearing like a skeleton in court due to his inability to hold daily meetings with his plastic surgeon while in prison, is sentenced to 3 consecutive life terms, sparking race riots in 25 major U.S. cities which don't calm down until October 18.
October 19, 2004 - New race riots begin only a day after extinguishing the last ones when Michael Jackson hangs himself because, as it says in his suicide note, "I couldn't bear to spend the rest of my life away from the children." These riots are short lived, lasting only until the next day, but tensions continue to boil at the surface.
October 25, 2004 - Robert Blake is acquitted of killing his girlfriend because he is able to cast suspicion on a "mysterious black man" who was seen leaving the general area of the murder. New Jersey is the only state which sees any major riots due to this decision, causing tens of dollars worth of property damage.
October 27, 2004 - John Kerry's plane goes down, adding him to the long list of Democrats who have perished in suspicious plane crashes just days before important and hotly contested elections. Bush extends his apologies and then points to a portion of the VWB bill that was added just before it passed, without the knowledge of Congressional Democrats, which says that any candidate who shall die while seeking Federal office within one week of the election will be replaced by Gary Coleman. Bush claims it's a coincidence that the malfunctioning navigational systems on the downed airliner were manufactured by a subsidiary of Diebold.
October 29, 2004 - Gary Coleman calls off a scheduled press conference in which he intends to step down in favor of a white candidate, considering that blacks aren't even allowed to vote. Anonymous interested parties strongly urge Coleman to reconsider and he instead accepts the nomination.
November 1, 2004 - A full 50% of the black adult male population is deployed to the middle east, one day before the election, without anyone having told them in time to get an absentee ballot. Race riots begin on a much smaller scale than before. Blacks collectively now officially own more TVs and small appliances than whites.
November 2, 2004 - Though Bush has done a great job in eliminating his competition and those who would be inclined to vote for his competition, he still loses the popular vote, but manages to gain exactly the number of electoral votes he needs by winning each one of the necessary swing states by one vote over the number that would mandate a recount (as reported and confirmed by Diebold's electronic voting machines and certified by the Bush campaign workers who happen to be Secretaries of State in those swing states). Coleman is made another "offer he can't refuse" not to contest the result, and accepts readily. Some black voters had remembered the valiant advice of Jackson, Sharpton and King, and tried to vote, but the first black person who tried to vote in any precinct was summarily executed and hanged on public display outside the polling place, prompting millions of blacks to say "fuck dat shit" and go home.
November 3, 2004 - Black America was up in arms over the events of the past two months leading to Bush's reinstallation as President. Tensions were at a boil, and a dumb white guy (Stephen Henderson, the first person to be killed in the race wars), sparked an all out blood feud when he uttered the phrase "fo' shizzle ma nizzle" to a black friend. Henderson apparently did not know that "nizzle" is slang for a term that black people say to each other all the time, but white people are strictly forbidden to utter, though that rule no longer seems to apply now that the race wars are on.
November 4, 2004 - Most of white America, which has been scared silly of blacks for no apparent reason for the past 50 years, has holed itself up inside its gated communities. Vice President Dick Cheney was ushered off to an "undisclosed location" while Bush remained in the heavily fortified White House, where secret service agents were jokingly given the order not to fire until "you see the whites of their teeth." At this time, all non-whites coming within 1000 feet of the White House are fired upon by agents.
November 5, 2004 - Charleton Heston and Ted Nugent joined forces to take out as many blacks as they could. They painted themselves in blackface and tried to infiltrate the headquarters of the newly formed BLACK (Black Liberation Army of Combatants and Kamikazees), only to be summarily executed for failing to know the secret handshake, instead trying to get the gatekeepers to give them five.
November 6, 2004 - Rush Limbaugh was captured, carved up, deep fried and served at no charge to the customers of a Charleston, SC Popeye's.
November 7, 2004 - Whites finally felt forced to fight back, and hunted down O.J. to make him be the first to "face justice". This symbolic action led to the bloodiest day in all the race wars, causing the ultimate deaths of nearly 300,000 honkeys and over 10,000 niggas.
November 8, 2004 - Snoop Dogg was decapitated by angry white combatants, friends say he was too stoned to feel any pain.
November 9, 2004 - Whites were further angered when masses of black men pulled down their pants in a nationally devised publicity stunt to deflate the morale of white men, who once and for all realized that the rumors were true. Millions of white women started trying to fatten their asses in hopes of being spared death by shakin' it like a Polaroid picture.
Which leads us to today. With a death toll of 174,217 it has been the second worst day of fighting in the race wars. However, the gap between honkeys and niggas killed seems to be narrowing, with today's death toll of 124,342 honkeys to 49,875 niggas killed. White leaders have expressed their optimism in their abilities to once again repress the black man and keep him in his place.