Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: Space, White House

Monday, 17 May 2004

Information leaked from the Bush White House confirms that the driving force behind the Bush Space Program is the implementation of a Christian agenda.

President Bush is apparently furious since he discovered recently that all the planets and most of the moons in the solar system are named for ancient Greek and Roman Gods. Over the past four months he has been working behind the scenes to change the names of the planets and moons through the United Nations. UN delegates are especially close mouthed on this issue, neither denying nor confirming the allegations.

The White House sources state that Bush wants to re-name at least the planets, if not the moons as well, after Biblical figures. One suggestion already making the rounds is to change Venus to Thomas because Venus is always hidden behind clouds and thus there is ‘doubt' as to what the planet actually looks like. The other changes are still being formulated.

Failing that - and the UN has told President Bush that it does not have the authority to make the changes - Bush plans to re-make the exploratory space missions into missions designed to destroy the other planets of the solar system. Following the Biblical credo: "If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out" Bush plans to pluck the offending planets from the sky.

Given the number of planets and moons in the solar system and the great distances between them the quest will be a long one. At present there are nine, and perhaps ten, known planets and over 130 known satellites of these planets. Some of the planets and moons are small, but others such as Jupiter and Saturn, are huge.

Cal Tech Astro-Geophysicist Neal Tork seemed stunned someone would consider such a project but noted that "the megatonage to blow up Mercury and cast it into the sun might possibly be something the United States could handle. But blowing up the huge gas giants like Saturn and Jupiter might be impossible with 21st century technology. Of course, if you could set the gas in those planets on fire . . . who knows?"

Other scientists are equally amazed and horrified. Dr. Frank Futz of Cal Berkeley's Department of Outer Space Research believes this could be the end of the world. "You're not going to atomize Mars. If you could blow it up, and I doubt you could, you'd end up with millions of huge chucks of the planet flying everywhere, and a lot of them will be coming right at us. I'd give us a couple of years, tops, then Bloowie! Were like the trilobites."

According to the White House Source President Bush realizes it will take centuries to complete his re-organization of the solar system. "He said just the other day," the source related, "that God has chosen him for this mission. God will provide a way for him to remain alive and in office for the 457 years it will take to destroy the heathen planets of the solar system. He's pretty convinced of this."


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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