President Bush today called on Congress to end a ban on offshore drilling. In a news conference at the White House, he said there was 'no excuse for delay' in lifting the ban.
'We want drilling to start again offshore', he continued, 'and for government funds to be allocated to dentists who take their practices out to the ocean.' He also stated his belief that dentistry was not suffering from overdrilling, and that more fillings and braces would make a visit to a Dr Mengele a lot cheaper.
'Yep', he said, 'all ya have to do is get in your private hellingcopter or Lear jet, and zoom out to get your teeth looked out. Then it's time for a quick stock up with Havana cigars and bootlegged liquor, and back home in time for a coupla lines with John and that grinning idiot Olabama.'
It's doubtful that Congress will support President Bush's calls, and indeed one Congressman, Edward Kennedy, said: 'Hey, Americans aren't allowed to become politicians unless they have massive chompers, it would take too much time to keep going offshore. Heck, I see my dentist every day, and so does Hillary and John McCain. And as for Barack Obama, his teeth are the only object you can see from the Moon.'
On Wall Street, toothpaste was being squeezed at $2 ( £0-01) a barrel, but dentures tightened to $3. Mouthwash prices were going down the drain, though, and cotton wool shares were soaking up any excess. Laurence Olivier was having his caps refitted.