Washington DC: The Surgeon General announced today that a new set of realistic warning messages will be placed on billboards around the nation.
Americans have become so accustomed to the Surgeon General's warning labels on everything from Viagra to diapers, that people don't know whether they are coming or going!
The original warning labels were designed to alert the general public to highly speculative product risks and dangers. The do-gooder elitist activists convinced corporate executives that such declaimers were necessary to avoid frivolous lawsuits.
Members of the American Trial Lawyers Association have been laughing all the way to the bank over "This Coffee may be Hot", court judgments and payouts.
Thus, it was felt that a new practical loving approach was needed. Here are some examples:
Metal cow barns or farm buildings located under 500 Kilovolt power lines may be dangerous to you and your cows, love Elsie.
Eating a Big Mac, text messaging and talking on a cell phone while driving may be hazardous to your and everybody else's health, love Ronald.
Standing in a puddle of water holding an iron golf club in a thunderstorm is not a swift move, love Tiger.
I warned you in 1978 about being "Attacked by Killer Tomatoes" but you wouldn't listen, love John De Bello.
Giving your wife's cell phone number to your mistress may cause divorce, love Monica.
The speed limit on this road is 55 mph and you are doing 80 mph, pull over as I am behind you, love Smokey.