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Topics: School, Guns

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Slumville, Texas - Jimmy Rock, 6, carried out his plan for mass destruction at his elementary school last Wednesday at Hell-Hole Elementary. He brought his Nerf gun (a high powered toy gun equipped with scary bullets) to school and held Sally's doll hostage threatening to blow her brains up unless he gets his blue coloring book back.

Many students around Jimmy complained they felt "scared" and "his dreams are quite sick; he's wants my toy doll to be shot with his high-powered Nerf gun," concerned Sally stammered.

The teachers have heard these disturbing remarks and did nothing. "It is this type of teacher non-involvement that allows horrific tragedies to occur. At the first complaint this boy should have been taken into custody and put in Guantanamo and tortured. This kind of play is not acceptable; zero tolerance must be in place for these kinds of childhood predators," a prominent community leader, Mrs. White said.

"That fucking basted of a kid needs not only to be tortured at Guantanamo but shot to death after with no trial involved," the dad of the Sally, Mr. W., who's doll was threatened. "I don't care if you're 50 or five, you miss with my kid or anyone else's you deserve to die a long, slow agonizing death. This little fucker tried to blow a hole in my daughter's doll with a Nerf gun for Christ's sake, come on; I want to blow a hole in his non-existent brain."

"I have even a better idea, let's let us skin him alive, roast him, drag him through the halls of the school, and then eat him like the Thanksgiving Turkey! Come on Mrs. Apple, we need to get back at this evil doer so let's eat his guts!"- Jacob, a class member of Jimmy's proposed. Mrs. Apple's kindergarten class then went on to have a vote about how to punish Jimmy. Votes totaled out to be: three for Mrs. White's idea of Guantanamo imprisonment; seven for Mr. W.'s plan of torture then kill; and a blood-thirsty fifteen for Jacob's proposal of torture, death, and food.

Jimmy's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Rock, where shocked and outraged when they found out the punishment for their young Jimmy, "That's disgustingly cruel, this is not some Nancy Grace special on zero-tolerance for childhood predators. I'm totally for a short trip to Guantanamo, maybe a public nudity event, but to skin him alive?"

Jimmy's punishment was carried out an hour later by the students of Mrs. Apple's class. It was the most fun I have ever had in my life thus far!," Carla said in between bites of Jimmy Stake. "Ehh, Jimmy really doesn't taste too good, I think Robert had a little more spice to him; though the cooking part was just so much fun," Jimmy's former best friend Mitchell said. Students enjoyed the Jimmy Thanksgiving meal then made a pack to say the next criminal was going to be barbequed.

The punishment is a great way to cut down childhood crime and reduce want-to-be-big-shots who think they can step on everyone said child hood psychologists Mrs. Hantan. "It is very important that child at an early age learn that society has a zero-tolerance for threats and guns of any sort."

In response to a step-up in the fabulous zero-tolerance program at Slumville's Independent School District, school officials are pondering the punishment for other evil doers at school. "Right now, we are looking at the gentlemen who choose to have long hair-past their ear lobes- and the punishment they should receive: life at Guantanamo, public hanging, or a possibility of a public dinner with them as the main course," Superintendent Dr. Oak commented.

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