President Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating "sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our resolve."
Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke out" those who believe he might have made a mistake. In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek survey, Bush told the Humor Gazette, "I don't read Newsweek." Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed, but acknowledged that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe his butt.
"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers. The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing chicken hawks and Halliburton executives.
Bush declined comment on a new poll indicating that his approval rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don't live in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi detainees. The president's approval numbers are holding firm at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed in his mistake-free war.
The good news is that Bush's approval rating is 94% among those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously complex nation and get the hell out.
Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate the president in several other key areas. The results:
-- Upheaval rating - 98%
-- Funereal rating - 86%
-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe a president shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed analysis)
-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who enjoy Photoshopping Bush's head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and Tasmanian devils)
-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of the "Mission Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey photo-ops)
-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people not troubled by the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)
-- Surreal rating - 100%