Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 13 June 2008

image for Hillary Clinton Witch Rumor Denied By McCain Camp

(New York-NY) At his first "Town Hall" meeting in New York City's Federal Hall, a statement made by presumptive Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, has many political bloggers wondering "wtf"? The reason was McCain's answer to the recent killings in Kenya of individuals thought to be witches. "When you have Hillary Clinton, a true witch, casting her spell over the Democratic party, you just have to just ask coals or mesquite for the stake?"

Matilda Barry, of Flushing, Queens, immediately asked a follow-up question. Barry asked if McCain meant a "b" instead of a "w"? The salty Senator became somewhat short-tempered. "Clean the wax out of your ears. Or has she put a spell on you too? She is a card carrying witch!"

The video clip of the incident is hotter on YouTube than Bill Clinton's crotch after one of his Thailand "vacations". After viewing it, Obama campaign manager, David Plouffe, said simply, "It's time for a little straight talk. John McCain… ." Plouffe then put his left index finger to his temple and moved it in a circular motion, the universal sign for crazy.

President George Bush seemed the only Republican defending McCain. Bush made the statement at his daily afternoon press conference. However, since no members of the press actually attend any of these events any more, it took a few days to be noticed. "I don't know if Hillary Clinton is a witch or not", said Bush. "But isn't it better to be safe? If she is, there is one man who won't be turned into an ass. To me, that's smart policy."

The entire Hillary Clinton witch matter can be tracked to a series of e-mails between McCain and a witch doctor in Kenya named Joseph Omache, who has opposed the current killing of witches in his native land. Omache posted the e-mail exchanges on his web site www.wedovoodoo.com. Apparently, McCain had an interest in the matter from a humanitarian perspective. As seen in his first e-mail, "This is bad." McCain then went to a different path in the next e-mail. "But did they kill any witches? Because if these hunters are the real deal, I think they need to pay a visit to Hillary Clinton." Another e-mail is more direct. "I think her mojo is pretty powerful. She's like that roadrunner. Drop an anvil on her, and she just eats some more roadrunner feed and pops right back. But I'm no coyote. I don't buy from the Acme company…if you get my meaning."

While the McCain camp does not deny the existence of the e-mails, senior campaign strategist, Charles Black, issued the following statement at a press conference, "To believe that John McCain actually believes in witches is to believe that a man who spent the last fourteen years fighting lobbyists in Congress would have lobbyists as the majority of his campaign staff." When it was pointed out to Black that it was in fact true that the majority of McCain's campaign staff were former lobbyist, including Black himself, he replied, "There's never a Hillary Clinton around when you need one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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