Written by matwil
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Friday, 13 June 2008

image for Outbreak Of Tyneside Accents In Washington
'Ah dunnaw if that's me sister-in-law's hoose'

Today there was a sudden outbreak of English Tyneside accents in the American capital of Washington, D.C.

'Speaking from the White House, ABC News reporter Kent State said: 'Well, viewers, sources at the FBI have confirmed that people have bin brekkin intae Geordie and Doorum accents reet across the toon, ya bams. And just as suddenly have returned to their normal American ones.'

And a passer-by, Mrs Louisa Skolsky, said: 'Yeah, it sure is kinda weird - one minute guys are sounding American, and the next they're like tukkin wi' what soonds like a mooth fully coals from Newcastle, like.'

This outbreak has been linked to the one a few days ago, where lots of tomatoes turned into dangerous alien space frogs, and President Bush briefly appeared to say this: 'My fellow Armenians, we must not panic, we mustnae be daft enoof to shite ourselves if we's soonding Geordie, ye kna. No, the war on terrible Tyneside accents continues, and if ye dinnae agree with me then it's a batterin' roond the back of the hoose for you, ya prannies!'

This is the most serious English regional accent to break out in America since the Mayflower ship arrived, when lots of country bumpkins chewing grass wandered around, saying 'oo-ar' and 'roit' to each other, but it has still caught the public by surprise.

The reporter continued: 'Hopefully the police and the FBI can stop all this bletherin' aboot effin' Tyne and Wear soon, pal, as an accent pandemic could cause serious problems for they daft eejits doon in London, the soothern softies!'

And speaking from California, Arnold Schwarzenneger added: 'Yeah, my own accent eez bad enough, imagine if y'hadtae listen tae me talkin' reet Geordie all the time, enoof to drive ya totally bonkers!'

But footballer Sir Paul Gassedcoigne said: 'What's wrong wi' me accent, pal, you tryin' tae be foony? My sister-in-law lives in Washington, dunna if it's the same hoose as that Bush lives in, her's is a shite hoose no' a white one.'

Newcastle United were instantly relegated due to massacring the English language, but Scots were left alone, as they're too far away for anyone to care about.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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