Washington, DC - Coming under increasing political pressure by the GOP to find a scapegoat for the up coming 2008 Presidential campaign, as playing the terrorist card for reelection has waned, the FDA has pointed the finger of blame for the salmonella-tainted tomatoes at illegal aliens from Mexico. The FDA claims that the illegal aliens, many whom belong to that cult called Catholicism, do not wash their hands after using the restroom, like picking their noses and spiting in your 1500 calorie Taco Salads.
"It's all part of the Pope's plan back in Rome, home of the 'Roma Tomato,' think about it," said a spokesman for McCain. "In order to infect every red blooded non-Catholic White American, or minority Republican Party member, or more likely crossover Democrat and may be even an Independent, though that last one is a long shot, stopping them from voting for McCain in the fall."
According the McCain campaign, the Pope's plan is get as many as McCain's supporters sick with illness and disease before Election Day, resulting in a low conservative voter turnout at the polls.
"The Pope is using his secret army of illegal aliens from Mexico to conduct a low level biological warfare of the Moral Majority," said McCain spokesmen. "Silencing them come Election Day. So the Mexicans can retake the Southwest and hand it over to the Pope for him to rule over."
Statistically speaking, most of McCain's strongest supporters are elderly, ironically among one of the weakest and most venerable population of our society.
Many who are on a fixed income, dependent on their monthly social security check as their sole means of support. Therefore, they hard pressed to afford their HMO health care insurance premiums (if they transferred off Medicare in 1980's because of private carriers sales scare tactics) or meet the deductible, let alone the high cost of medicine, should they get seriously ill.
Making them a prime target for salmonella-tainted tomatoes Or any number of the other opportunistic diseases in their fragile and weakened state, acknowledged the McCain camp as much.
"And we're helpless to stop them because McCain is against Universal Healthcare or meaningful reform to our broken healthcare delivery system," said McCain political strategist. "Our only hope is to help keep gasoline prices high, so the poor can't drive to the polls to vote for Obama."
Nevertheless, according to the McCain campaign, they should be able to win the election with absentee ballets only.
"That is of course assuming that our supporters can read the fine print with their expired eye prescription glasses," said a McCain campaign strategist. "Or they can afford to pay for their vision care premium and deductible to get a new pair after eating a can of dog food with the money they had leftover from buying a gallon of gas to get to and from the grocery store. Or we're in deep [censored]."
Until then, McCain campaigners are getting the word out to their electorate to stay clear away from eating any 1500 calorie Taco Salads.
"We don't want to lose this one over a little Montezuma's Revenge, do we now?" rhetorically asked a spokesmen for McCain, hoping nobody notices the inflationary elephant sitting in their living room but rather keep their eyes on the scapegoat of illegal aliens from Mexico from spiting in their 1500 calorie Taco Salads instead.