Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: John McCain

Thursday, 12 June 2008

image for John McCain Sex Tape Surfaces
"Smile."

Holy cow! Senator John McCain in a sex-tape? And not one made during his salad days at Annapolis, but last year, more like in his cigars and brandy nights? The choice was simple: Either film a sex-tape, or give the Bush White House to a Democrat.

Republican strategist decided that a sex-tape was the only remedy after viewing McCain's dismal speech on primary night. The Senator managed to get tangled up with television prompters while addressing the call for a change: forward change, backward change, change here, change there, change, change everywhere; in what appeared to be a drip, drip call for a change.

In sharp contrast to McCain, there was the majestic oration of Barack Obama's Mount Rushmore pronouncement that he would be the next Democratic Presidential nominee, promising to bring the troops home from a war that should never have been waged, lowering the oceans, curing our sick planet; the final part drowned out by applause, shaking the rafters with hope and promise.

Party operatives decided their Maverick needed some rocket fuel to spruce up his image and the sex-tape gained ignition. He was already equipped with the blond bombshell wife, and the tape would be accidentally released following a break in at the McCain summer home.

McCain balked when told that he could not wear his knee length candy stripe night shirt, and would have to perform naked. He vehemently questioned how his Evangelical good friends would react to nudity and sex, but was reassured that this behavior was perfectly acceptable between a married husband and wife. There would be nothing kinky or perverted; a near National Geographic, PBS type documentary. However, there would be candles, rose petals and percussion instruments, (presumably for a drum-roll) but no blankets.

The absence of blankets brought McCain to a tail-hook stop, protesting that everyone would see his nuts! Gosh, gee. Again, he was reassured of the artistic integrity and scrupulousness of the production team, and lastly, that this sex-tape would guarantee McCain becoming the next President of the United States and spending eight years in the White House with Air Force One.

Drum-roll.

"Hoo-ah! My good friends, I'm ready for my close-up."

Ping!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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