Today, millions of tomatoes were withdrawn from shops and stores across America, because of healthy-eating fears.
The US Fat Lardass Association Board - FLAB - is still searching for the source of vitamins and minerals, and has warned against eating any fresh fruit or vegetables, in case it leads to slimness and good health.
A FLAB spokesman, as he was winched out of his home for lunch, said :'Action had to be taken, McDonalds were actually adding slices of tomato to McQuadruplelardburgers with treble fries, man it was going too far!' And his wife, nervously keeping an eye out for any Japanese whaling boats, added :'A slice of lemon in my tequila sunrise, OK, a shred of lettuce on my 32 ounce steaks, fine, but a whole tomato? No way, Jose!'
Seventeen American states were hit by the healthy-eating scare, and concerns were raised about other possible sources of decent nutrition, such as apples and garlic and olives, but a Kentucky Fried Chicken manageress attempted to quell the panic. 'People, just keep on eating chicken nuggets and deep-fried turkey beaks, then there's no need to worry about health. More ice cream with chocolate chip topping?'
And speaking from his home in a New York burger van, Mr Ronald O'Donald said :'Hey, nothing here has a trace of fresh fruit or veg in it, trust me. Burgers, fries, pizzas, cheesecakes, not a hint of nutrition in them, it's the American way. Wanna try my 8-cheese and pepperoni pizza?'
The US government is hoping that the healthy scare will pass quickly, as happened in 1993, when a restaurant tried to sell a fresh avocado salad and had to be immediately closed down, and millions were waiting to fill their troughs for dinner, as soon as the all-clear is blown.
But from France, its President, Ravioli Mousakka said :'Healthy eating, pah! Have another snail or spider, we laugh in the face of tomatoes, and send them all to America! Vive la salmonella a la grecque!' American restaurants have yet to be invented.