Written by Christopher Gallo
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Topics: Cold War, Photoshop

Thursday, 12 June 2008

image for American Government Created Photoshop During Cold War to Prosecute Russians
"And we had "Unreal Championship" too."

Government official Dean Trumbell announced on his deathbed today that the American government created Photoshop in 1956 in order to falsify pictures they used as evidence against supposed Russian spies and captured communists.

"Shortly after the Suez Crisis, Eisenhower told me that we just didn't have enough proof to put those filthy Russkies in prison, so we cooked up a ton of schemes to change that." he claims. "We had a guy named Frank Mackey who was really bright, a really smart kid. He's the guy who actually made the first cool computer.

"People assume that computers were these big, clunky machines back then. And that's what we wanted them to think. WE were the first to use normal computers. DOS was just an attempt in the 80's to make people think we were just getting started.

"World of Warcraft? Flash? We had ALL that shit. Hell, Walt Disney got his men to perfect their animation skills by using regular old Paint!"

When our reporter asked Mr. Trumbell for further information about the Russians, here was the statement he gave us. "We couldn't really put them in prison, ya know, so we had to do something. So we would get pictures of telephones, monacles, things that looked suspicious, and just shop 'em into the damn thing.

"If I had a dollar for every eyebrow I distorted to make some Russian cuntbag look evil, I could buy the Nile River.

"We also used to make the noses bigger, but that was just 'cause it looked funny."

Trumbell also told us that all the original edited photos are inside a photo-album at the White House. "Bush knows about 'em. There must be 50 of those albums somewhere in the place. I think some temp has 'em stored in his office."

Once the statement went public, George W. Bush, Jr. commented on the issue. "It's obviously pretosterous. Photoshop? Computers? I have one thing to say, and that thing is absurd."

Shortly after our interview, Mr. Trumbell passed away due to liver complications. He was 86.

He also commented-- "Oh, and that picture of the burning monk? 'Shopped. He was actually having a spazz attack. We thought the fire looked kinda cool."

His funeral will be held this Saturday in Torrance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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